2 year anniversary

Well, it didn't turn out quite the way I imagined. I was in a funk for 2 days - struggling between gratitude and wow cancer. I didn't have a celebratory brunch on Sunday. Instead I spent fairly quiet days resting, taking care of myself, having lavender baths, watching "To Catch a Thief" - Cary Grant (sigh) - making magic candles - and doing small steps in my art project. I did my Red Tent Temple of Saturday which did me good to be with other women though it took all my energy and courage to be there.

For me this anniversary was important, but in a different way from last year - last year really was a celebration and relief, with a cruise. This year I felt was important for all the gratitude I felt - but I wasn't able to share as much as I wanted to - and that hurt. Not that I want to give cancer any more due in my life than it deserves - but for me it is still very important - it was a catalyst  - a catalyst to better happier times - so I am grateful to cancer too. But how do you celebrate something so important in your life that scares most people (to even just say the word) - and still scares me - to be honest. How do I communicate my deep gratitude and the importance of this in my life when others, for various reasons, may not be interested?

Well, I came up with a phrase for me - honoring - honoring everything - the pain, fear, love, hope - the whole ball of wax. Honoring is a hard thing to do if you haven't been through something similar - you have no personal experience with cancer, or if you do it may not have the same emotional importance. Most people don't want to celebrate cancer, nor do they realize how important it is on someone's life. Maybe it is like war vets who can't really convey their experience to civilians that didn't go through battle. They honor those who fought with them, those who died, and some have reunions and such - to do this for cancer survivors? When cancer is an individual experience? Maybe doing another 'relay for life' cancer walk would help this honoring process.

In asking myself about honoring I can do it for myself but I realize it is very hard to share it with others, especially 2 years out. While cancer is not an every day thought for me - it is still an emotional touch stone that still has a lot of importance. I am sure in time that touch stone will smooth and the emotions will soften, but for now they are still very strong and deep.

honoring

Honoring

The body stops

Hurts aches

Wants to fall apart

Slipping into the lavender water

Warm enveloping comfort

Getting to the secret places

Of loving and grit

Here in the quiet

Letting the body float

Baptized by lavender

I hold me

I hug my arms

I explore every toe

Watch my long hair

Float as seaweed

In the currents of my body

I kiss my breasts

Run my hand down my strong legs

Caress my cancer scared belly

Pushing warm water waves

Over this roundness of life

In holding to let go

Wailing for all I hold in my soul

Salt tears mingle with glitter lit water

For the sorrow and hope

That is now a turbulent pool

In my soul

Here I find honor

Here I find honor for my story

For the fears of death

I face with all the courage I had

For the anxiety of working this alone

Here I find honor for things lost

Friendships that are no more

A way of life that died

So I could find a new way and an old way

Back to loving me

Here I find honor for those who helped

In small and big ways

For the hands held, shoulders cried on

For seeing the rebirth in the kindest words

For just being there

Here I find honor for myself

Honoring the entire experience

For learning more to love

For the courage to face my fears

For the gratitude of being alive

For being able to hold all these things

Sorrow, anger, gratitude, hope, love, joy, fear

Here I find honor for myself

For being able to hold all these things

Letting go?

Here in the quiet before bed
Relief’s tears creep in on me
The shaky breath I take in
As I sip Drambuie
And a whisper in my mind
Something I almost dare not speak
It is over
It carries so much with it
Something that has been in my life
Not far from anything
Might be
Done
Over
And the awesome feeling
Of what
That life return to normal
Well no – I can never return to the past
Then what
Of the future
To step up
Move on
Let go of Cancer
Some might say
Hell Yes
But for me
Cancer has been a motivator
A Blessing in disguise
Something to fight
A reason to make my life better
To follow my passion before it was too late
Some of my tears ask
What next?
Has my life have other goals
To propel me forward
And do I dare let go of cancer
In the chance it will come back
Well maybe it is best to let that go
Since I tell cannot my future
But it will forever, at least for now
Lay in the back of my mind
And so maybe I will never completely let it go
But let it be where it belongs
In some future
Then my past
For now to hold the joy, celebration
The quiet hope
Passions determination
And sigh
With the dishes needing to be done
Meetings attended
When I want to nothing more then go
To the Top of the Empire State Building
With friends
And
Dance and Shout
I am Free
I am Cancer Free

No CT scan this year

WooWoo!!!! I am so relieved - now it is time to celebrate! part of me wants to cry - it is one of the ways I relieve all the stress I have been holding on to. I can just let it go!

Today is Dr. day

So, I keep saying to myself - just breathe - focus on this moment, and so I am doing okay. Work has kept me occupied this morning so I have no chance to worry.

To keep things light - Petunia, my pink stuffed dragon, is going with me, I am wearing my favorite Rose perfume, I have on a favorite necklace, earrings and sweater. Last night after my shower I put on some glitter, in my hair, and there is still some there. So, I just keep saying to myself - breathe, trust, breathe, focus. The Goddess spoke to me this morning as I was waiting for the 7 train (delayed because of problems with switches, so what is new!), and she kept saying to me "everything will be okay, trust me" - and so I try each moment.

A is going to the doctor's appointment with me and then we will catch a bite to eat in Union Square.

doing better

I had a good cry last night and talked with a very dear friend and my therapist and today is going a little better.  I still feel the scaries but not so much so and a little hope has come back to my spirit. Thanks for all the notes of support. Tomorrow is the appointment with the oncologist.