Tuesday, October 26, 2010
getting upset
I will be the first to admit that it is late and I am tired but something set me off a little tonight. As much as I try to move forward with life cancer is still there. It is never far from my thoughts. I now read anything that comes to me about cancer. Today I read an article about Lance Armstrong and Livestrong. It isn't as scarry as it was but can still be upsetting. I don't think about it all the time, but I still think about it a lot. It feels like I am in a kind of no-man's-land of not in active treatment but not declared completely cured. This situation for me carries a lot of under lying uncertainty and doubt. That doubt is usually in the form possible recurrance and waiting. Tonight I just couldn't chase it away.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Autumn and loosing weight
I just got back from a walk. It is crisp and a little windy outside, a perfect autumn afternoon. Some of the trees on the Pratt campus are starting to change and there are a few roses blooming in the rose garden. As I walked around the garden I wished I had my camera to take pictures of all the pretty flowers.
Well, talking about autumn in NY isn't really why I am writing today. My real reason is to say - I have signed up with Weight Watchers. I got fed up last night, especially with my high blood pressure, and I just did it. I figured, I need a food/eating coach and they have a pretty good reputation. I can't take any of the first line drugs for my blood pressure, so the weight has to come off. Time to be a grown up - stop whining about it (at least to myself) - and making excuses - and get on with it. Yes, I have had some success over the last few years taking off about 40 pounds, but more has to change and they can support me while I do it.
You might say "this is related to cancer how?" well it is a no-brainer at least for me. I want to live a good while longer and to do that I have to take off the weight and get the blood pressure under control. Well, what did I learn from cancer - GET HELP! I have to shed this "i-can-do-it -on-my-own" attitude and just do it. Well, I still have to do the work and make the choices, but now I have a coach and a place to go for support. It is related to cancer in another way by wanting to take better care of myself all around. I fell into some "comforting" patterns, salty snacks, sweets (always my downfall), that though they may not be the best for me, helped me through a tough time. While I only gained about 10 pounds through the cancer, which considering what was going on, wasn't too bad. I have been able to take off that 10 pounds, but there are patterns that still have to change and I might as well get help doing it.
I am thinking about my goal weight. My ideal weight would be between 125-150. I have alway thought of a good target for me to aim for, at least for now is 200. That means I have 76 pounds to go, at least from when I last weight myself.
So, there is nothing like paying for something that makes it a good motivator. By paying for it I am making the commitment to myself to show up for myself and feel better for myself and to get help doing it. I am making the financial committment to achieve this goal. Also by telling all of you that I am doing it, and going to a weekly meeting, is also another motivator to not only reach my goal, but to keep me honest while I get there.
Well, talking about autumn in NY isn't really why I am writing today. My real reason is to say - I have signed up with Weight Watchers. I got fed up last night, especially with my high blood pressure, and I just did it. I figured, I need a food/eating coach and they have a pretty good reputation. I can't take any of the first line drugs for my blood pressure, so the weight has to come off. Time to be a grown up - stop whining about it (at least to myself) - and making excuses - and get on with it. Yes, I have had some success over the last few years taking off about 40 pounds, but more has to change and they can support me while I do it.
You might say "this is related to cancer how?" well it is a no-brainer at least for me. I want to live a good while longer and to do that I have to take off the weight and get the blood pressure under control. Well, what did I learn from cancer - GET HELP! I have to shed this "i-can-do-it -on-my-own" attitude and just do it. Well, I still have to do the work and make the choices, but now I have a coach and a place to go for support. It is related to cancer in another way by wanting to take better care of myself all around. I fell into some "comforting" patterns, salty snacks, sweets (always my downfall), that though they may not be the best for me, helped me through a tough time. While I only gained about 10 pounds through the cancer, which considering what was going on, wasn't too bad. I have been able to take off that 10 pounds, but there are patterns that still have to change and I might as well get help doing it.
I am thinking about my goal weight. My ideal weight would be between 125-150. I have alway thought of a good target for me to aim for, at least for now is 200. That means I have 76 pounds to go, at least from when I last weight myself.
So, there is nothing like paying for something that makes it a good motivator. By paying for it I am making the commitment to myself to show up for myself and feel better for myself and to get help doing it. I am making the financial committment to achieve this goal. Also by telling all of you that I am doing it, and going to a weekly meeting, is also another motivator to not only reach my goal, but to keep me honest while I get there.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Quick update
Well, I had a good weekend. All my crying and fussing? for what? I got past this threshold just fine. Saturday I had a wonderful dinner with wonderful friends that made me feel all pink inside! Sunday I slept and rested to get ready for a big week at work. I did my laundry, food shopping and picked things up at the pharmacy, the only other thing I did was watch Monty Phython, Jeeves and Wooster and a Thin Man movie. Not a bad weekend and good for putting things in the positive.
Ciao for now.
Ciao for now.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Pictures of Montana
I know I am a little behind things here and most of you got pictures via email. But I want to put some up here for others to see if they find their way here.
Here are some of the things I did:
Met wonderful women like Nancy and Sandy
Big puffy clouds
Climbing a butte
Cancer as a gift
Not having to explain anything or bring others up to speed
Hand holding and hugs everywhere when it got too much
Wonderwoman to underwoman
Belly button connections
Power Hours
Big Full Moon
Hot Tub to ease aching muscles from climbing or horse back riding
Chakra meditation
Line danceing
Sing along at the fireplace with s'mores and Peter Paul & Mary
Making scarves and beaded necklaces
A warm fuzzy bag filled with all kinds of love and kindness from other women
Witchy/Pippy hair bands
Naps
Massage by Barb
Great Food
Wine Tasting
Laughing at myself!!!
One year anniversary
Well, it has been a year since being diagnosised with GIST. The last couple of days I was getting a little upset with this date looming. I was upset remembering the day my world changed with one word - TUMOR. Remembering the shock and fear all setting in at once. I had a talk with my therapist last night which helped a lot. Today is going wonderfully. My one goal for this day was to make it positive instead of it being spent fretting and crying.
I am pleased to report that is what is happening. I bought myself pink roses, a piece of birthday cake and other special food for today. I have done some on-line shopping for things I need like vacuum filters and I got concert tickets for the Indigo Girls for me and my niece Emily. I am going to take a luxurious bath and I am going out to dinner with a couple of friends tonight. We are going to a couple of little rituals - on the fly - one releasing all the fear/anger/worry/disappointment of the past year and the other affirming my strength and hope for the future. Otherwise I am doing fun things I want to do today.
I will be honest with you - there is a small hole or pit in my stomach, but I note it is there but don't give it another thought. I see this day as another threshold to move accross and beyond cancer with faith, hope, happiness and fierce courage. The first threshold was the first CT scan - and another big one will be the next CT scan which will mark some many things, one year of having the cancer removed and another clean CT scan.
The only thing I have to do is change the litter box! I am looking forward to the rest of this day with fun, happiness and hope - and that is the best kind of day.
It feels so good to be positive, happy and hopeful.
I am pleased to report that is what is happening. I bought myself pink roses, a piece of birthday cake and other special food for today. I have done some on-line shopping for things I need like vacuum filters and I got concert tickets for the Indigo Girls for me and my niece Emily. I am going to take a luxurious bath and I am going out to dinner with a couple of friends tonight. We are going to a couple of little rituals - on the fly - one releasing all the fear/anger/worry/disappointment of the past year and the other affirming my strength and hope for the future. Otherwise I am doing fun things I want to do today.
I will be honest with you - there is a small hole or pit in my stomach, but I note it is there but don't give it another thought. I see this day as another threshold to move accross and beyond cancer with faith, hope, happiness and fierce courage. The first threshold was the first CT scan - and another big one will be the next CT scan which will mark some many things, one year of having the cancer removed and another clean CT scan.
The only thing I have to do is change the litter box! I am looking forward to the rest of this day with fun, happiness and hope - and that is the best kind of day.
It feels so good to be positive, happy and hopeful.
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