One year anniversary from Liberation

Wow! I made it through the year! I feel I can now say it loud and proud - I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR and I AM CANCER FREE!

Celebrated with Priscilla and George.

At 5:00AM I am off on my cruise. I am packed and ready to go! Now if I can just get a little rest, but I am so excited.

Will report in when I get back.

author of your own life story

Dear Friends -
This is another posting from the Daily OM that I wanted to share with you.

When you remember that you are the author of your own life story, you are free to create a masterpiece.


We all have our own life story. It is filled with relationships and events that help shape who we are and what we believe to be true about the world. Depending on our perspective and willingness to grow, our experiences can become fodder for negativity and patterns of playing the victim, or they can fuel a life of empowerment and continued self-development. It is the story we tell ourselves about what happens that makes all the difference.

Take a moment to look at the life story you create for yourself on an ongoing basis. If you generally feel peaceful about the past and trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way, then you are framing circumstances in a manner that serves you well. On the other hand, if you retain a lot of guilt or resentment and often feel weighed down by life, you may want to start telling yourself a new version of past and present events. No matter who the characters are in your story or what they have done, you are the only one who can give their actions the meaning they will have for you. You are the only one who can define what role you will play in your own life. By taking responsibility for your story, you are able to learn and grow, forgive and find compassion, and most importantly, move on into a brighter future.

From now on, you can choose a life story that supports you. Let it be proof of your own resilience and creativity. Be kind with the roles you give yourself and generous with how many chances you get to learn what you need to know. When you remember that you are the author of your own story, you are free to create a masterpiece.

Love's reflections

I just have to sit and write a little about some of the themes that have been running through my mind about love - not just loving myself but also the act of loving others.

First reflection:
On vulnerability - I don't know if I shared this TED talk with you. It was sent to me by my old boss and good friend. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability and it has had my mind turning thinking about a poem or poems about vulnerability and love. I have been searching for positive metaphors to use - maybe I just need to so a series using all kinds of metaphors instead of just using using one. Regardless of what I do I hope you will have a listen to what Brene has to say:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Second reflection:
Of loving myself through the fear. Again today I loved my fear and anxiety to help me. This time with great changes going on with my Mom and Dad and the deep love and emotion I feel for them. I realized when I wrote "I love my fear" that struck me as an odd statement. I feel all of a sudden that I should explain the phrase, as if you won't get it. Maybe I should state it as "I give my fear Love" which is a more accurate statement and better indicates what I do to my fear. I could right now go off on a tangent of what is fear and how giving love and comfort helps me understand why I am afraid and so then to love myself through a scary situation - well that is in short what I did today - instead of being anxious and scared about seeing Mom - I love myself and gave love to my fear to comfort it and me. The phrase that just came to me what "I was a loving mother to my fear" - which will most likely become a poem

Third reflection:
The is a puzzle of love - in loving others - the boundaries we set and why we are friends with people who challenge us - friends who are not like me in so many ways that even there is a huge gulf between us on many things - much of which remains unspoken -but that somehow there is a curious connection is made - I am not sure what kind of connection - and this I will leave up to the universe - but write about it in poems.....

Okay - now I can go to sleep I think - but part of me very much wants to get writing.....

Sweet dreams.

Love Songs

The night was filled with pink red purple Christmas lights
Red wine and a red velvet dress
As I sang to myself
Love songs
With Frank and Dino
Ella and the Indigo Girls
Song after song
I sang
I didn’t want to sleep
But sing all night long
With my arms wide open
And dancing with Peggy Lee
Because in singing love songs to myself
I fell in love
With me
And I could see the world differently
Whole and bright and full of possibility
Holding too the deep vulnerability
That is part of love
Like a moon lit ocean
Full of all fears and anxiety
Of how deep my love is
How it will hurt to let go
To hold both the struggle and the euphoria
Like a bottomless well
I will never find the end of
And maybe I shouldn’t
So I don’t know how or when to stop loving

Every day Love

Today is just today

Spring warm

So for the first time in two months

I can get out for a walk

And look up to the trees

To see if there are buds coming

Instead trudging home

Just to get out of the wind and cold

Today’s wind is warm

Teasing Spring to come

And yes

I touch on love today

Love for myself

I sent valentines to me

I bought roses and flowers

I’ve had chocolate

I have listened to my favorite love songs

I will eat something red for dinner

Maybe lasangna or red velvet cake

I will watch a favorite movie

And maybe take a bubble bath

All these things are for love of me

And I would do just a quick in June

As on February 14

Everyday should have

Bubble baths

And Spring Bud watching

Listening to Love songs

Loving always subtly everyday

All is good to go

Good morning all
Well all is good to go. I checked with the imaging place and authorizations are in place.

I really am not experiencing too much anxiety. Last night I was, heck I can't remember what I was doing other than lying on my bed when I all of a sudden thought - I have my faith back. Now, I have had some level of faith through out this journey - but my faith is to the point where I am not worrying so much about things - I don't feel so anxious. Now, that all may change come tomorrow morning - but at least for now I am doing pretty good.

So, tomorrow it will be pink robes, Rufus the dragon, Cathy, lanocaine and clonopin, if I need it

Getting ready for Friday

So, I am beginning to get things in order for Friday - and doing pretty good with the anxiety and stress. I called the scan place and talked to the technician. He seems to remember for 6 months ago. I reminded him about the lanocain and my sister holding my hand. I also called to check if I can wear my pink robe instead of one of their hospital gowns which never covers my ample size (even though I have lost 3 more pounds!) - I can wear the robe! My sister Cathy is coming - unless we have a freak Blizzard in the next day. I have reach out to a friend to take me home after my pancake breakfast and Priscilla and George are coming out to Queens on Saturday to make sure I am not too much a zombie after I crash from all the adrenaline in my body. Tomorrow I call the imaging place to make sure the authorizations are in place and pick up my sister. I am seeing my therapist tonight and picking up some flowers and comfort food and we should be good to go!

As my previous poem indicated that I am trying to love my fear - and so far I am doing pretty good - just tired.

Loving my fear

This morning
In the bitter cold
Quietly I turned
And loved my fear
I put my arms around her
Whispering
I love you
Warm as the spring sunshine
So I turned my face
Like sunflowers
Following the warm sun
And let it soak into my soul
And Anxiety was there too
So I gave her space
To be held
Singing sweet songs only my heart knows
And together we opened
The golden petals
In the gentle breeze
To the singing heart
Not knowing what was next
But that this was good

I love you - Part rant – part question – part hope

What is so hard about these three words? I mean for them to have genuine meaning. Now, please don’t get me wrong I hope I say them many times to many dear ones and they are said to me many times and I know they are deeply meant – but my point is maybe these words are not said enough. That we sometimes put more on the implied meaning of “I love you” through our actions of giving and support but the words themselves aren’t directly stated or the opposite happens – the words are said but they are not genuine. And so we have become wary of these three words. Why? Is it because of the word’s implied vulnerability? That it is a load question? Especially when it is a man saying it to a woman or a woman saying it to a man or to friends becoming lovers? Do they become confusing with ulterior motives or hidden agendas created by our suspicious minds? Is it that we want to put some qualification on Love? Or is it hard to love so completely, so unconditionally that we become afraid of it? Because we can only love as much as we can love and sometimes more. Or is it that love surprises us? Completely breaks down barriers and walls of our own construction that keeps us walled in. Or blesses us with quiet joy. Well my hope is that we say it to each other more and get over this discomfort – we give the love we can give. I want to spread these words around so they fill the air full of love. And let us not just say the words “I Love you” but to tell each other why we love them. Maybe for their laughter or generosity or inspiration or comforting by touch or word or their listening or honoring understanding or giving sacred silent to heal a hurt or their willingness to let you be silly or foolish and still to love you. You know how good you feel when you hear how special you are to someone, how honored and beloved. I know I feel extra special when I hear it. But sometimes I don’t hear it enough and I begin to doubt if my love is noticed or understood or reciprocated. When you think of someone kindly or remember them with great affection share it with them – warm their heart as your is warmed now. And in these tellings on why, begin to cherish again and again the action of saying “I Love You”

A NYC rain

Let the Rain wash my face
As I walk along Roosevelt Avenue
With the 7 train thunderous clattering overhead
And wash the dirty grey snow away
Let the Rain drops splash my face
As I head to the post office
To pick up a package
For my trip to the Caribbean
Let the Rain dampen my hair
As I climb ice crystal snow drifts
Ford giant curbside puddles
To soak into my skin
Breathe deep the damp chilled air
That warms me to walk
Blessed and Baptized

Today's poem - loving myself

In deeply loving myself
Have I put away the deep neediness
That has so long dwelt deep in my soul
And break this unwanted pattern
Fearing that no one will help me
Fearing that once caught in my web
My sticky neediness could be unsolvable
And trap you too in despair?
So I shielded you
And me from my own feared web
Now in loving myself more
I see through the web
How neediness is no longer needed
For now I say yes
That in loving me
I open to vulnerability
And in vulnerability I love my neediness
Not to perpetuate the pattern
But to sooth a balm
Of understanding
And so heal the neediness with my own Love
Of Loving myself

strategies to get me through the next week

I figured I would write here all the good things I can do to help me get through the next week -

Last night I queued up my favorite movies in Netflicks.
Do my best to eat healthy - also getting in some of my favorite foods
Know the friends I can call when I need to talk
Getting the script for clonepin filled - just in case
Having my winter exfoliate bath on Sunday
Seeing Jennifer Wednesday
Cathy coming down Thursday - barring any snowstorms
Looking forward to the pancake breakfast after the scan
Plan on having friends over for an easy dinner on Saturday
Call the imaging place to talk to tech about my needs
wearing rose oil and my heart bracelet
Remember to breathe and hold my breath
connecting with my quiet inner sacred place
Go to my comforting imaginary places
Carry around my red dragon Rufus

today's love poem

Talking myself out of a funk

To turn a day
From grumpy fear close to tears
Baseless anxiety
Based on not wanting to do it
Simply because it is change
(I hate to think I have become a stick in the mud)
To light hearted smiles
Takes me on a journey
I know I have to take
To be happy
It is
Learning to listen
To quiet whispers
Courage
Creating the space
In stillness
Turning to
Breathe in Breath out
Calm and ground
The thought of
“Try to see this as an adventure”
Or an opportunity
Where inner anxious knots
Give way to deep grounded breath
The inner whisper
I can do this
Then laughter and a smile
Such lightness breaks the knots
So I can love myself happy today