Talking about Cancer in a new way

I want to say cancer
A thousand times
A million times
Until I am sick of hearing myself say it
I want to take the bite out of is
That thinest edge of fear
That may never go away
And yet cancer right now feels like something so different
I feel enboldened by it
Cancer has given me something
Something good that has been working
in me for sometime now.
Renewed hope and faith
In all kinds of wierd and wonderful ways
In the beginning I said "cancer is a blessing" as some hope to hold onto
Because the only faith I had was to put one foot in front of the other
That I would somehow get through this
Having no clue how
So I found myself returning to my roots
my spiritual roots
And with the help of friends
Finding good ways to nourish my roots
Working hard
Through meditation and commitment to find me
And love me again
And now I find that those roots are stronger
And my tree of life stronger for the roots I have sent down deep in the earth
So that Cancer has become a strength in me
I want to talk about cancer in a new way
for the courage it now gives me to do new things
To dare to become the person I see for me
Now you will say "Cancer hasn't done this......but rather your experience with cancer"
And I would say "semantics!"
Having Cancer has been the catalyst
In coming through
Right now I am happier then I have been in a long time
I am slowly building something new for myself
A way I want to be in my community
With my friends
I have the feeling that life is again opening like a flower before me
The petals being the supportive lessons I have learned
And all the love I received from friends
I want to tell you that cancer has helped me
To hug longer
Do touch base calls to friends
I want to share the joy in heart
including the deep tears of gratitude
When the voice can't speak
I try to speak up more so my voice is heard
I am focused on making me happy
And in small ways helping others
My life flows out of sacred space a claim every day
The space of quieting the mind and listening to my breath
I want to be with people more and to break my isolation
It seems the more joy I feel the more Joy I find
While life is back to some kind of normal
It looks fresh and uncluttered
There are hurdles to come
And anniversaries to get through
And maybe the twinge of fear keeps me honest
Or going
Reminding always to stay focused on what is important
And to let the other things go

Christmas Carol

I am watching the Alistar Sims version of "A Christmas Carol" and I really get the scene first thing Christmas morning. I was watching a muscial version with Albert Finney, "Scrooge" and the jubilant feeling on Christmas I know so well, the liberation from the darkness to a new life. Now "A Christmas Carol" will have an even sweet place in my holidays.

Yule spirit and moving closer to forgiveness

Wow! Christmas is this week. I finally have the spirit. I have been revelling in winter, but now that I have my all my xmas lights up, and I made two batches of my mothers stole with Carolyn twists. I have my presents ready. So now I can relax and just enjoy things.

I had been fussing about my friend until I talked to my therapist friend and these two poems came out. Maybe I am moving closer to forgiving by stopping blaming myself and accepting that things happened the way they happened.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and soak in the quiet winter.


I want to bury this hurt
In winter’s hard ground
I want not to care or love you
I want to pluck out the thorn and be done with it
I want to shake you
To make you listen
To honor what I say
To respect me
Don’t make me feel like I am to blame
Or that you are superior to me in some way
Instead I am left with hurt silence
Since you aren’t willing to listen to me
Or respect me
So maybe we are better off parted


She said it
She wasn’t the right person for the job
As simple as that
And suddenly my anger and hurt
Had no fire
So maybe I stopped
Blaming myself
For making the wrong choice
Or blaming her for not stepping up
I don’t know
But for now
That thorn in my soul doesn’t hurt so much now
Instead there is this deeper quiet
Stepping closer to forgiveness

My horoscope from yesteray

This was my Daily OM horoscope for yesterday - it really does express what I talked about yesterday - I just thought I would share

December 13, 2010
Anxious Over-Thinking
Taurus Daily Horoscope
Today you may find yourself over-thinking your plans, trying to figure out exactly how to make them successful. By making yourself anxious, you may actually be hindering your own progress. Instead of trying to know every step, allow room for the universe to move. When we try to force things into existence, we end up exerting a lot of energy and may discover the square peg and the round hole don't fit together as nicely as we'd hoped. But when we can accept the spaces where unknowns exist and turn within to our source, we will find that solutions present themselves. This shift in attitude turns anxiety into the joyful suspense experienced by someone who knows that they have gifts to open, but not exactly what they might be. Today rather than investing your energy into worry, you can experience the thrill of positive expectations.

When we focus on worry, we direct our energy and that of the universe into the creation of our anxieties. Since money is just another representation of our energy, we can imagine that worry is like choosing to take money out of a money-making venture to throw it into the paper shredder instead. Using the same analogy, when we accept the limitations of what we know and trust the universe to fill in the blanks, we allow space in storage to accommodate the influx of money we expect to arrive. Today by shifting your focus from worry to pondering the infinite possibilities, you make planning for success an enjoyable game that can't be lost.

Further thoughts

Well, I got through today in a good way. I am beginning to be aware of the thoughts patterns that accompany the freaking out - and being able to see/listen to them, address them, then to stop thinking those things and change, slowly, the thought pattern.

Now I know these thought patterns are silly, but after all, they are my thoughts patterns - so bare with me.....
First my brain starts thinking about all the pain and discomfort of my past expereinces from kidney stone.......
Another thread thinks - oh here we go again - this is how it started last time......
I would be lying to if the above thought didn't have the added "and then came the cancer"
Another thread - heavens I am going to have to lithotripsy again

okay so after these are running around in my head on that endless carousel of thoughts I first make myself stop by focusing myself to focus on my breathing. I say to myself - breathe in - breathe out and I do it until I calm down. Also taking a walk works - this morning they kicked us off the G train one stop shy of where I get off and instead of waiting for what were to be very crowded buses, I walked the rest of the way to work.

Then - I ask myself - are any of those thoughts represent what is going on at this very moment? NO! I am not in pain - and I can't control this - so focus on what I can control - an maybe that is a little bit where faith comes in for me. In letting go of what I can't control and not worrying about. All I can do are to take actions that will begin to get answers - like making the appointment with the urologist - which I did today. I learned somewhere in my journey to focus on all the bad things that COULD go wrong instead of looking squarely at the present to see if the present looked like the future - which it almost never does.
All of this also gets me around to thinking about faith - as I have heard famously quotedd - believing in something when logic tells you not to.
Heavens it feels like I have opened a can of worms.
I don't think that phrase captures faith for me. Faith is letting go control when I can control it - it is giving the Universe permission to help me out with those things I can't influence by my actions - faith is giving space to let go - to quiet the mind and shut off the brain - For me it is letting the unseen - unknown currents that swirl around me to move as they will - in a sense I can't stop it - rather I would flow with those currents and let me actions nudge me forward and to let go of trying to control.....

Well, that is at least part of an answer. Thanks for listening.......

Going to see the urologist

Right now I am succeeding at not freaking out. Over the weekend blood showed up in my urine. Today I am going to call the urologist who treated me last year. They did mention in my last CT scan for the GIST that there were a couple of small stones. I half took that information in - well now I need to deal with it. My mantra today is to take it one step at a time and not focus on it - rather to keep my breath deep and steady and do and think other things. Honestly though I am just scared. I try to have faith but that is hard for me - but I keep trying. Faith is something I have been giving a lot of thought and I hope will talk about more here.

Well, time to get on with the day.