constellation of cancer scars

Lie on the bed
On pink patches
Stretching out my body
In the growing night twilight
Caressing the constellation
Of cancer’s scares
Fingering their soft flesh
Petting rose pink velvet gently down
Soothing their trauma
In loving strokes
As rolling hopeful prayer beads
Lovingly touch them touch me
Wholly cancer survivor

Touch my love tenderly

Touch my love tenderly
In magenta and red glowing lights
And the darkness crowding in
So my whole body aches with being alive
That my heart sings just for me
Bursting for the universe to hear my song
Knowing there is some other harmony
Resonance below and beyond me
Here I can soar out on the wind
Or quiet keep warm within the winter night

an experiment in self love

I have to say this is inspired by my friend Jennifer. We were talking about my poetry writing and getting it published. I told her of the one time that I get critized for my dreams of being a published poet and how hard that is for me still to overcome. This conversation got me thinking about poetry - and to this experiment for myself - to write love notes/poems to myself. I was always so good at writing love poems to others and using word craft to draw out delicate and sublime nuance of feeling. I have been doing an experiment in self love as a way of healing from the last year, with the helps of blogs and books, to reclaim my life and to find the true blessing of cancer, to turn it into a positive instead of fear.

So, what I am going to do is everyday write myself a love poem or note that touches on my life right now. For isn't that what poetry really is - love notes someone writes? Think of your favorite poems - why do you like them - is it the words used or images created that transport you somewhere else or touch a deep feeling that you have as well? When I did this little excercise for myself and thought of Robert Frost or Mary Oliver or Shakespeare, especially his sonnets, is comes down to their use of words and images that touch me, resonate with me. When I think of their poetry - it is like they are writing poems of love not just to me, but to themselves first and formost. So why don't I write poems that resonate with me as well - things that I love or words of encourage and praise that will help me through I tough time. Even words of frustation at the idiocy of everday life and how I can then find some hope in that craziness.

Since this is part of my rebirth from cancer - I will post my poems here and I hope they will, in some way, resonate for you too.

Making cancer a positive

"It's much harder to say I have a something that makes me different and understand that those differences are actually your assets. Flaunt what you got and trust me, all your dreams can come true. No one can ever reach their dreams by being negative and feeling bad for themselves."
************

Quoted from Lauren Ruotolo, author of Unstoppable in Stilettos.

Making cancer an asset - wow what a radical was to think about cancer - I want to move in that direction - and I am doing it by working with my church and creating a red tent.

But my instinct is still to try and run away. I got so anxious about going to the oncologist this week. I really just drained all my energy that yesterday I had no energy for anything. I confess, my brain and my emotions went back to a year ago. I tried to keep telling myself that I was in a different place, I even repeated all the names of friends who sent me good wishes for Tuesday's appointment. My brain and emotions really wanted to run and hide. During Tuesday I did pretty well until I got home and my body really just shut down in some kind of exhaustion.

Now I am proud of myself for Tuesday - Monday night I wrote out strategies to help me with Tuesday on a post-it. So here they are:
1. two imaginary places to go if I go really anxious - one a magical pool with a water fall where I could go and sit in the water feeling the falling water around me - my imaginary stone cirlce
2. I listed the work I needed to do at work that would keep my mind distracted
3. I wrote out a list of all my friends and family that I could repeat as a mantra of support
These things really did help me through the day.

So back to the quote - flaunt my differences - that I am a cancer survivor - Maybe there is a way to make the shift from still wanting to run away from it to embracing it - I think embracing cancer is a positive way for me accepting me as I am. So How to turn cancer into a positive?

To Rufus

The meeting with Dr. Blum, my oncologist went very well today. Rufus helped me get through the day. Isn't he a cute little dragon. He help chase my fears away. and Priscilla held my hand ;).

CT scan is set for Friday, February 11 at 10AM. This is excellent time ahead of the cruise at the end of February. We all know the results will be NED!!!!

seing the oncologist

I know I just sent you an email about my appointment tomorrow.

I just need to say that the fear came crashing over me - those scarries that send my brain into a time warp. Then all kinds of replies come in with prayers and encouragement and then I dig into my faith and my love for me and all of you - and then I am not so scared. I do cry a little for the fear and for all the love around me - it is okay to cry, to be scared, to know love, and to have courage. I have been doing really good about all of this, until today.

I am thinking of bringing a stuffed dragon I found to the doctors appointment. I don't care how silly I may seem - it makes me happy and helps me laugh and I need all of that to get through this - and Priscilla's hand to hold.

An Addendum and Happiness

From David Brooks of the NYTimes and the New Yorker

From his article "Social Animal"
"Happiness is a measure of how thickly the unconscious parts of our minds are intertwined with other people and with activities. Happiness is determinded by how much information and affection flows through covertly every day and year."

So I feel like I need to write an addendum to my previous post - and David Brook's quote does tie in, just bare with me.

My addendum is this - that I did the best I could and was a brave as I could be over the last year. I was reflecting back and considering what I might of done differently - not to wish that things might have been different - but to learn how to be happier now by making wiser choices. As I said that I couldn't conquer my fear and later on my anger and in that I also wish I made different choices; to be forgiven for not doing it prefectly or better or more gracefully, but rather humanly. In looking back to learn and remember that I was a victim of my fear and anger, but maybe not of cancer, and that what is done is done, what happened, happened, maybe for a reason beyond my understanding and that is learning to be a little wiser and happier now. To balance between my empowerment and victim of my fear in being human in coping. I can't change the past, nor do I want to - in many ways I am proud of how I coped with cancer. I did the best I could and try to deal with as gracfully and creativily as I could. And this is where David Brook's article quote comes in - that it is, at least for me, true. Happiness comes from being social and that is the better choice I am making now and in the future - to be more social - to be with people to surround myself with affection.

So now go read David Brooks article in the New York - it is funny, well written and very interesting.....

Being a victim of cancer - acknowledging my own failures

This post to a blog a subscribe to got my brain going - If you have anything you would like to add to this - or want to comment to me - please, I encourage you to do so - to share what you saw from your perspective.

Maybe I never said "why me" and yes I was too scared and too determined to keep living to worry about "why me?" But I did give Cancer power, the power to scare me - so I made myself a victim of cancer. I have always thought it just happened and I got through it the best I could. I did play the victim in anger when I would say "You don't get it, you haven't had cancer" or "You don't get it, you have no idea how scary all of this is." I also played the victim of not letting go and trusting more that things would be okay. I would read all of the cute sayings about cancer - and what it is not - but in my heart of hearts it was hard for me to really believe it. I felt powerless and fear. I felt like I was all thumbs and someone just asked me to play Beethoven's violin concerto. Giving my fear power and the cancer power lead me to feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

Did I wear my fear on my sleeve - yes, I admit it. Did I walk this journey with any dignity or grace - I tried, but I fell woefully short. Maybe through much of it was just a walk person in shock but from the shock, the fear took over.

Now, it is hard not to be a victim of cancer, cancer is a very scary thing and will all that treatment entails - the medical industry can leave one feeling helpless on top of being diagnosed with cancer. I tried to fight against the fear and feeling overwhelmed - I did the best I could.

Maybe it is understandable the power of fear and shock and cancer. Through most of last year it felt like being in time warp - just making it from one day to the next - The faith and love I did have for myself was taking it a step at a time. Honestly I wasn't even sure what it meant to "get through it" because, in the beginning, I wasn't sure I was. I felt to helpless and a drift from ordinary life. My creativity kept me going - relearning how to make me happy in small steps - and keeping friends around me - that is how I coped. I loved myself by always facing down my fear, summoning the courage and slowly a step at a time moving ahead. This is how I hung on to life, and maybe just wanting to live was all the loving I could for myself then. It may not have been gracious or pretty, but I think it was tenacious. I can only think it was a little like a terrier holding on for dear life to her favorite bone, my bone being life.

One of the fears that had power was my struggle with the feeling I was, on a certain level, dealing with all of this on my own. The level I mean is a very practical one - of making sure everything was taken care of, all my appointments and other things in life - as being single I didn't have anyone to pick up the pieces, or to hug me at night or make the coffee or dinner when I unable to do it and I didn't know how to ask for such help, and maybe I was unwilling to just let things go, but rather I tried to keep life as 'normal' as possible. Maybe I was like a horse pulling this cart of life and cancer, and I had blinders on. I couldn't see beyond what was immediately in front of me and I knew I had this burden I was carrying around. I couldn't always see or feel your support and love. I was numb with fear. Yes, I complained about this. Yes, I was overwhelmed by it all. Maybe I should have just let it go - or not worried about it in the face of what was going on - but what happened, happened and I move on. Again, I try to forgive myself for my shortcomings and remind myself I did the best I could. And maybe in this a played a little of the victim of not letting go. This was the one place I felt powerless. This too, is where I felt like I suffered in silence, and maybe writing things here helped break that silence. I tried to reach out - but the fear held me back - My fear contributed to letting myself feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

From this post did I let her get away with what she did - yes - and there I was the victim too - I didn't speak up then to address what was wrong at the time it happened. When I tried to, in anger, and things disintegrated further. So, I acknowledge my failure, for both being unable to speak up at the time and for my misplaced anger later on, and as such seek forgiveness, for myself and to anyone I hurt for what I was unable to do at the time. This goes to all of you who have followed these posts - If I hurt you - from my own anger and fear and lack of confidence - I am so sorry and ask your forgiveness.

I know I have expressed my appreciation for all the everyone did for me - and only now can I see and feel the collective love around me - I catch glimpses of it. It is like a fish eye lens that comes across my vision and I can see all of you cheering me on, and then it slips away. The blinders are starting to come of and I am finding the full range of my experience.

Finally - To the broader issue about this blog - loving myself. I am certainly learning to love myself more now. And I am learning to do so more and more. I think there is also a lot of grey area between being an all out victim and being wholly empowered. In many ways I did feel empowered because I was asking for help, in both general and specific ways. I also felt empowered by my creativity and a focus for my energy of hope, creating things made me happy. I also felt empowered by my tenaciousness - to keep take the steps, no matter how scary they were to me. But I also was a victim to myself for not asking for more, not necessarily of from all of you, but to be more bold and confident in asking for what I needed from the universe and trusting that help would come my way, for not pointing out when there was a problem, when I was angry and struggling with all that cancer was/is to me and not letting go.

So now that I have made my mia culpa - I will state boldly that I am loving myself more and gently forgiving myself my shortcomings - and feeling healthier and more trusting of life.

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posted by Daylle Deanna Schwartz @12:01pm

Self-love and allowing yourself to be ta victim don't work together. Victims rarely love themselves. It's not loving to let others manipulate you. I hear folks moan, "Why do people use me?" And groan, "Why me?" And whine, "I'll never get what I want because_____." Fill in that blank with, "because I allow myself to be a victim." It's your choice to be one. People don't make you a victim. You volunteer.

Victims blame others for making them feel powerless. But no one can take your power if you're not giving it away!

Do you blame others for being unhappy? Do you complain that you hate being a victim? Playing a victim is your choice. Nobody can force you to give up the power to make your own choices. When I take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong. When I was a DoorMat, I considered myself a victim. After all, everyone needed something from me.

• Why couldn't they be nice to me in return?
• Why did they take advantage of my nice nature?
• Why was I always taken for granted and not appreciated for doing SO MUCH for everyone?

Simple answer: I let them do it. I allowed them to walk all over me by not saying no or expressing how I felt about how I was treated. Self-pity replaced my power and I had plenty of that. "Poor me, always the victim of everyone's selfishness and inconsiderate behavior!" I was also angry and frustrated a lot, though I put on a smile for those who I blamed. So I suffered in silence. My deep insecurity and lack of self-worth made me feel that I deserved to be unhappy since I wasn't perfect.

Listen carefully. It's YOUR choice to accept behavior you don't like, or to change your response to it. The more you love yourself, the less likely that you'd allow yourself to be a victim.

If you're taught that confronting its source isn't nice, you suffer. This is poison! You get no points for suffering. None! Nada! You deserve happiness! Asking "why me?" when life isn't good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.

Do you accept suffering as punishment for not "being good enough?"

That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I suffered as a lifestyle. Now it's banned! It's your choice to adopt a victim mentality or handle situations in ways that give control back to you. Don't give others power over you.

• "He makes me feel unattractive." It's your choice to feel unattractive! You have the power to ignore criticism.

• "My girlfriend spends all my money and I'm always broke because of it." It's your choice to give her access to your money and to be with someone who takes advantage like that!

• "I always have to pick up the slack for my co-workers while they do their personal business instead." It's your choice to agree to do their work and not speak up about it!

• "My mother always tells me what to do." If you're an adult, it's your choice to listen or do what you want!

Your response determines whether you're a victim or a powerful person. I know it's hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect. Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won't allow it. And nobody is a victim unless they choose to be. Once I stood up to people, I saw how much power I had. Victims feel helpless, which brings self-esteem down and down and down. But you're not helpless.

You always have spiritual support in lifting yourself up from living as a victim to setting boundaries and being happier.

It's all in your court. Think about what makes you feel like a victim and how you can change the dynamic. The more you nurture self-love, the less you'll allow people to treat you poorly. When you love yourself, you won't want to allow yourself to be a victim. Being a Nice Person on Top Is certainly much better!

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2011/01/do-you-choose-to-be-a-victim.html#ixzz1B29yah1F

Giving away power - and reclaiming it

This comes from a daily email I get, The Daily OM, and I think speaks to something I have been trying to get at in my recent posts - though I haven't expressed in this way. I think it is an issue that is faced in being sick and dealing with world of sickness and the ins and outs of health care, and dealing with doctors. I also think that along with the feeling of not being heard, that I struggled with giving my power away in an effort to keep the peace with my friend.

It is hard to know when I am giving away my power and when I should reclaim it. It is something I am working on......and I am just sharing it with you as food for thought.....


January 5, 2011
Repressing The Inner Voice
Giving Away Power
Giving away our power is something we have been taught since childhood by unaware adults in our lives.


In many ways, we are taught from the time we are children to give away our power to others. When we were told to kiss and hug relatives or friends of the family when we didn't want to, for example, we were learning to override our inner sense of knowing and our right to determine for ourselves what we want to do. This repression continued, most likely, in many experiences at school and in situations at work. At this point, we may not even know how to hold on to our power, because giving it away is so automatic and ingrained.

To some degree, giving our energy to other people is simply part of the social contract, and we feel that we have to do it in order to survive. It is possible to exchange energy in a way that preserves our inner integrity and stability. This begins in a small way: by listening to the voice that continues to let us know what we want, no matter how many times we override its messages.

Other examples of how we give away our power are buying into trends, letting other people always make decisions for us, not voting, and not voicing an opinion when an inappropriate joke is made. But with not giving our power away we must also be aware of the opposite side, which is standing in our power but being aggressive. Being aggressive is a form of fear, and the remedy is to let our inner balance come back into play.

As we build a relationship with our power, and follow it, we begin to see that we don't always have to do what we're being asked to do by others, and we don't have to jump on every trend. All we have to do is have the confidence to listen to our own voice and let it guide us as we make our own decisions in life and remember the necessity for balance.

questions of anger and victims

Where is the line

Between righteous anger and being a victim

How can one be honest

Yet not play the role of victim

Should anger not be acknowledged

Is it other’s discomfort of anger

That should stop expression of disappointment’s anger

Is the anger inappropriate

Here to stumble to feeling guilty

About playing the cancer card

About being angry

About falling unaware

A little

Into playing the role of victim

Is expressing anger

A way of working it out

No matter how uncomfortable for others

Is playing the victim

Not sometimes appropriate

Or is it always to be looked down upon

Scorned as weakness

Deemed unworthy of compassion

Can not a victim call experience valid

If only to speak some truth of a journey

If only that some truth be heard

Happy New Year 2011

Bright New Year's greeting to you all. I for one am looking forward to 2011 and am glad to leave 2010 behind. I hope for all of you happiness, joy, peace and prosperity.

I write tonight because I am able to heal my hurting thorn a little more. I realized that I can let go my need for her to understand all that I have gone through and I can let go need to tell her. I can let go of my hurt feeling that I was not listened to or heard by her. I have others in my life who have heard me and listened to me. She has karma to work out as do I and everyone else, and I pray that she does. With this letting go maybe I can take her off the pedistal or maybe a tall dias that I still had her on, and bring her down to earth. I feel like I can let this rest more now and let it go a little more and I don't feel that hurt right now. I forgive her for she knows not what she does.

I hope this year brings me continued healing, continued opportunities to break the silence and to find my voice, to know that it be heard, that I continue to find happiness and support and love in my life and that I continue to give it and that I give with love and generousity. I hope this year to get healthier, to continue to loss weight and to have hope and faith in all that I do. I even hope that I will find an intimate/loving/respectful/sexy relationship with some one special. Finally I wish that my faith continue to grow and my spiritual practice continue to nourish me in all that I do.

I hope you have many good wishes for 2011 too.