Getting Ready

Well, it is just a little under 72 hours until my surgery. I am holding up okay with occasional periods of crying - not being scared so much but more being grateful for all the support I am getting from all my friends and family. My old friend, Whitney is keeping me company and so is making this so much easier to handle and get through without complete falling apart or running away. I have been working on my to-do-list and it is almost complete, so in this respect I feel very much ready to go. Tomorrow Whit and I will spend having some fun in the city and finishing off the last few things that need to be done. Send me good healing and loving thoughts over the next few days - as I hold you all so dear in my heart.

flower candle

Okay - you have heard me talk about this healing flower candle - here it is! The peonies are for protection, the roses are for beauty and love, and daisies are for happiness. The first view is without the "candle" part turned on. 2 and 3 are with the "candle" on and finally a view from the top and slightly out of focus - which looks kind of cool. I really like my candle. Under the flowers are words like "courage", "faith", "healing", "LOVE", "Hope" - they are kind of secret words that I know are there and sending out their energies.

The week has turned around - especially since the big meeting is over. I am focusing on staying happy, calm and very positive. The creative juice keep flowing - I have a drawing of "Lady Stardust", a Goddess figure for me - and I have been thinking how I can turn that drawing into a painting with a starry night and glitter - of course - magic glitter. I think I am going to dig out the drawing and then head to the Pratt Store tomorrow to see what supplies I might get. Now I hope to get back to playing with words that come out as poems.

Snowy Tuesday

Is just as bad as any Monday! I find the beginning of weeks so hard - hard to shift gears. My weekend was spent cleaning and generally lounging round and especially shutting off my brain. After being paniced and scared for almost 5 months I am at a point where things are pretty well set and I just want to get to that date. I really feel like shutting off by brain until this event happens - I don't want to think anymore.

Right now I don't have panic except for the beginning of the work week. I think the panic comes from looking at the week ahead of me a work and all the things I have to accomplish and I just panic. Especially this week because we have a big meeting to do prepare and pull off and I have a large role in making that happen.

Deep down I wish I could just spend the next week just taking is easy and doing a little of this and that, but I can't. I know the regular schedule helps keep me going and distracted, but another part of me just wants to shut down to a very basic level and just get to 2/25 with the least amount of stress and drama.

I can't even think past 2/25 - well maybe a few days in the hospital, but not really. But 2/25 is pivotal day. I am putting off dealing with some things until after 2/25 - they are just too emotionally upsetting and I want to remain and calm and happy as possible in this next week. I want to get my to-do-list finished and then just coast until my Liberation Day.

I did get out for a little walk in the snow. I love walking in snow. And of course I had my camera with me but nothing caught my eye.

Show and Tell

So you have heard me talk about the various creative projects I have been working on to keep my spirits up during this journey. Well I can now show you some of the fruits of my efforts. My heart necklace/prayer beads. I am very proud of my creation and wear them all the time. Today I am working on my fake flower candle. I will take pictures of that as work progresses. I just like have fun playing and creating - it so life affirming for me.

On another good note I got all my paperwork into Human Resources this past week. That is one anxious process that is done. I sat down and talk with my boss yesterday, planning for my time out of the office, figuring out what needs to be covered while I am out. So now it is get through the next work week - a short one because of President's Day, get things stocked up in my apartment, food and such, clean my place and welcome my girlfriend who will be see me through this surgery.

I am trying to keep my mind on other things - very mundane things - and not think about 2/25. Sometimes, I confess the scaries start to jiggle my stomach and my races a little - but some distract quiets them down.

Catching up

Wow - it has been a week since my last post. Well, here is a little update.

Last weekend was good. I started working on my pink heart healing necklace, which is now done and I hope to post a picture of it. I got my taxes done, which will give me money during my recovery or if things work out I might be able to save some of it for my trip to Paris, when ever that will be. I got my battery operated candle which I have started working on. I went to a Super Bowl party which was fun - but then early Monday morning the very hot chilli dip caught up with me and I spent half of Monday feeling green. Tuesday I had my spirituality group where we discussed the challenging topic of forgiveness. Wednesday was a snow day from work - very nice. I slept late, ate naughty food, watched movies, read, napped and got out for about 1/2 hour and took some pictures of the snow. Yesterday I was grumpy but ended the day feeling better because I got my necklace done and I watch the movie "Elizabeth".

So that brings us to today. I generally feel good - though there is an under lying nervousness and the day for surgery gets closer. I try not to think about it and keep life fairly normal, but that is hard. I guess it is the waiting for it to happen. I am certainly positive and keep doing things that either distract me or are creative that tap that positive energy, but sometimes that is hard.

Now another weekend is upon me - a long one since I have Monday off for President's Day. That's right, lump all the President's birthdays into one. I might go to a Korean Spa this weekend and do a little self pampering. I still have a to-do-list to work on, but that is getting shorter - which is also making me nervous. I am going to watch the Olympics - the one sporting event I will watch other than baseball.

Well, that is all for now.

Swinging this way and that

Today I hope to do my pre-op testing - and I am nervous - which doesn't help my blood pressure, which is what i am worried about, because maybe blood pressure that is too high will delay my surgery - like a dog chasing its tail. This gives me an excellent excuse practice my relaxation and mediation exercises. Breathe - think PINK - and I have been listening to the Finale of Tchaikovsky's violin concerto Op. 35 which really makes me pay attention and focus on the music and helps distract my mind. I once played the violin, and by middle school was playing first chair - so I imagine myself as the soloist playing this piece. My recording is of Joshua Bell playing which is absolutely excellent. I plan on taking a good walk today and that will definitely help with the relaxing me and keeping the blood pressure down.

One litte ephiphany this morning - I know where to start my heart bead necklance - in the middle! I have all my beads gathered now, and they are soaking in a magical brew of water from Glastonbury, tangerine and rose oil, tibetan salt and a few drops of whisky. So I hope to start stringing them very soon. I am waiting for my battery candle to arrive. I had to go online to order one but it should be here soon so I can get that lovely project done as well. Insurance and FMLA paperwork and my taxes are also on the to-do-list so I am keeping busy.

accounting for life

I know I talked about death yesterday - do today's topic is accounting for life.

It isn't death of I am afraid of - it is another passage - a journey into the light - another adventure to embark upon. And as for Death as a spirit or force of the cosmos - my girlfriend referred to Death as a she - and this is amazingly a comfort to me. So it isn't death I am worried about - it is life

In looking at death I look at my life. I have taken the path that was in front of me. I have tried to choose the best path for me as well as tried to learn from my mistakes. Honestly - I do have some regrets, but not many. Mostly they are regrets of lost opportunities and chasing dreams that I could not make real. I have tried to help others, especially those I loved as well tried to be generous and give what I could to cheers others and let them know they were respected, valued and love for who they were and nothing more. I have struggled between not wanting riches and yet wanting to do things that require money, such as travel. I have also struggle to know how best to both promote and protect my creative self. I have struggled with being alone and with lonliness. I have swung back and forth between cherishing being alone and desperately wanting to share my life with someone. I have cherished friends who I have had for 20 years as well those I make last month. I have loved pets and tried to honorably, lovingly and respectfully let them pass from life into cherished memory. I celebrate my family, my heritage, and the values my parents instilled in me. I am afraid of life and yet I find the courage to live it in a beautiful and creative way.

Finally here are the passions that keep me going flowers, friends, family, Scotland, England, Jane Austen, photography, magic, beauty, words, poetry, light, color, art, music, classic movies, phone calls, Faith, Hope, Love, and Soma.

Dealing with Death

As the great requiem's tell "Death, where is thy sting?"

First the disclaimer:
Now, please don't be shocked by this topic coming up - I think it is perfectly normal in the context of cancer and surgery that the topic of death should pop up. There is a chance, though very slim, that I will die from this surgery or even from this cancer. And as I have promised to myself - this blog is a place where I can be honest with myself. I don't think I am being with polyannish or overly morose in addressing the issue for me.

Now, my little intuition that whispers to me said "You will die before the others." Well, heck that is a pretty open ended message. But when I hear it, it freaks me out. Now, I give my intuition a very healthy dose of skepticism. I am stubborn enough to not always listen to my intuition. But this gets me a little off track. This whisper is pretty vague, I just panic because of the situation I am in. Notice it doesn't say when I will die or before the others refers to - though I take it to mean the rest of my family. So now that I have parsed this phrase let me deal with death itself.

In talking myself out of the panic I realize I shouldn't think about death, push it away and not deal with it, but rather put it in context and address it honestly. First, I am going to die at some point, we all are. And if I were to die tomorrow or Thursday February 25 or in the year 2050, I have lead a good life. I have done the best I can with the life I have been given. Sure I know I can do more and want to do more and will do more. And so there is nothing be afraid of in dying. It will be another journey I take and maybe another way to share my love.

Regardless of when I take that journey I want to share the love I now I have - I know I have more to give. I want to continue to grow in my life and my love, there is still a life for me to live and love for me to give. I want to take the lessons I have learned lately and apply them to my life and see what happens. I want to see where my humanity goes and to help those who come into the circle of my life. I want to be creative. I want to love. I want to laugh and cry and dance and write poems and take long walks. And this is the hope and light I hold onto even when Death talks to me.

Family - especially brothers

Where to begin. Well, most would say at the beginning, so here goes.

I am the last of five children, the caboose and nine years behind the next one up. My oldest sibling is 17 years older than I. So, needless to say there is a gap in our ages. As a result I grew up basically an only child. While this afforded me the opportunity to grow up with my parents attention to art, music and history, on the flip side it meant that I didn't know my sibling well - almost not at all. I have worked on having better friendships with my two sister, for for that I am deeply grateful and am finding they are there when I need them when I need to cry or just talk. I am now blessed to have two older sisters that I feel very connected to and that the love flows both ways.

But my brothers, they are an enigma to me, both of them.

Here is my basic issue: that I know all my siblings by their histories, what they have done, who the have married, what work they do, but I don't know them as people.

Now, back to my brothers. My one brother has been amazing, coming to appointments with the surgeon and offering to help out and be there when ever I need him. For is calm cool collected male logical mind this has been good for me since I tend to me the emotional meltdown kind of person (though I know I have the strength not be that way). But he is still an enigma to me.

Now, I have seen this journey I am on now as a chance to rebuild or rekindle the relationships with my siblings and to deepen them. But I just don't know how to reach out to my brothers - I feel stuck. I love them both, but I just don't know what to do - especially when I am facing this scary situation. I find I want to really gather my family around me so I can know that I am cared for and loved as much as I do for them. But how to connect this when this is so emotional for me? Do I tell them how much I need them? But also realizing that they may not be able to give me what I need. Maybe there is nothing to do until the way becomes clear to me....

Monday mornings and other reflections

Mondays are hard for me. I panic. It is the shifting gears from the fun of the weekend to the challenges of work. And lately it there is the added stress of the surgery getting closer and being ever mindful of the things I need to do to prepare, both scary and fun. I am okay once I get going. The doing things is good for me because it feels like I am accomplishing things and moving forward - it is just that first step that sometimes scares me.

Panic, being focused on the future, can diminish the present, especially the things I have accomplished. I created a couple of magic candles this weekend as well as work on some self love valentines that I hang to keep reminding me to love and patient with myself.