A poem - Elegy in Joy

Elegy in Joy [excerpt]
by Muriel Rukeyser

We tell beginnings: for the flesh and the answer,
or the look, the lake in the eye that knows,
for the despair that flows down in widest rivers,
cloud of home; and also the green tree of grace,
all in the leaf, in the love that gives us ourselves.

The word of nourishment passes through the women,
soldiers and orchards rooted in constellations,
white towers, eyes of children:
saying in time of war What shall we feed?
I cannot say the end.

Nourish beginnings, let us nourish beginnings.
Not all things are blest, but the
seeds of all things are blest.
The blessing is in the seed.

This moment, this seed, this wave of the sea, this look, this instant of love.
Years over wars and an imagining of peace. Or the expiation journey
toward peace which is many wishes flaming together,
fierce pure life, the many-living home.
Love that gives us ourselves, in the world known to all
new techniques for the healing of the wound,
and the unknown world. One life, or the faring stars.

Quiet Acclamation

It is a quiet acclamation
That more lights the soul
Then is shouted to the wind

Wait
I must go back
To when I couldn’t even say it
I couldn’t even say
Cancer
Like a dry moth stuck fluttering for freedom
Choking my voice
My body didn’t want to know this word
Its terror cut me in pieces
Like shards of shattered fragile glass
Scattered in the darkness
Where I had little to cling to
A little hope and a little faith
But as milestones passed
And with many acts of Love
Slowly the slivers and shards have come back together
Each hurdle crossed
A triumph of its own
Triumphs that grow and gather
To where I shouted
To battle the fear
I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR
To make sound the space
Where the light of hope and love
Would glow and grow again
A verbal defiance against death
Now to see how far I have come
Come out of the darkness
Into Love’s warm light
Where I can whisper
With pride
Knowing the universe hears me
I am a Cancer Survivor

Walk in the Beauty Way

The morning bustle is beginning
Trucks shuffle and clang with their deliveries
Taxis picking up fares
Such muffled sounds come through my window
Along with the Spring sunlight
And sweet air filled with bird song
Here I fall in love
Opening all of me to
Just being
In love
And in that I all of a sudden what to be with you
To whisper in your ear
Before the day gets away from us
Ssh, ssh, shh
Things will be okay
As I discover the “I can”
I know in my heart you can too
So you then walk into the day
On the Spring sunlight
I think this is what some mean
When they say
Walk in the Beauty Way

From the Daily OM - Hearing the Whisper

April 8, 2011
Underneath the Noise
Hearing the Whisper

Sometimes it is the softness of a whisper that is needed the most.


You may have noticed that if you want to speak to someone in a noisy, crowded room, the best thing to do is lean close and whisper. Yelling in an attempt to be louder than the room’s noise generally only hurts your throat and adds to the chaos. Similarly, that still, small voice within each of us does not try to compete with the mental chatter on the surface of our minds, nor does it attempt to overpower the volume of the raucous world outside. If we want to hear it, no matter what is going on around us or even inside us, we can always tune in to that soft voice underneath the surrounding noise.

It is generally true that the more insistent voices in our heads delivering messages that make us feel panicky or afraid are of questionable authority. They may be voices we internalized from childhood or from the culture, and as such they possess only half-truths. Their urgency stems from their disconnectedness from the center of our being, and their urgency is what catches our attention. The other voice that whispers reassurances that everything is fundamentally okay simply delivers its message with quiet confidence. Once we hear it, we know it speaks the truth. Generally, once we have heard what it has to say, a powerful sense of calm settles over our entire being, and the other voices and sounds, once so dominant, fade into the background, suddenly seeming small and far away.

We may find that our own communications in the world begin to be influenced by the quiet certainty of this voice. We may be less inclined to indulge in idle chatter as we become more interested in maintaining our connection to the whisper of truth that broadcasts its message like the sound of the wind shaking the leaves of a tree. As we align ourselves more with this quiet confidence, we become an extension of the whisper, penetrating the noise of the world and creating more peace, trust, and confidence.

Cruise celebration of being NED

I know most of you have seen these, but I wanted to put them on my blog as a celebration!

FINALLY!


After taking a week to get my land legs back and another week dealing with a nasty head cold - and gathering pictures from my fellow traveler, Diane, I can now share pictures of our cruise.

Diane and I left our respective cities early Saturday morning and landed in warm and sunny Miami. After a quick ride to the ship terminal, with a stop off at CVS so we could pick up bottles of bubbly, one for each of us, we board the ship and found our cabin.

We then went up on deck to start soaking in the warm Miami weather and get our first drinks - with those little umbrellas of course and we waiting to put to sea

Sunday was a day at sea. We spent the morning sunbathing with lots of SPF on, reading and watching people. In the afternoon we went to an art auction where Diane bought some lovely pieces and both of us bid on and won a spa treatment. That evening we got dressed up for dinner and then did some dancing. We did have some rough seas in the evening. Diane put on her acupressure bands. The boat rocking didn’t bother me other then it being a little bit of a challenge walking straight – but then for a New Yorker that is nothing new.

The next morning we arrived in Ocho Rios, Jamaica

First we went to the Enchanted Gardens and Falls

Then we visited an aviary with lots of lovely parrots including a gorgeous Macaw

Then we went off to Dunns River Falls. We climbed the Falls and got soaked.

After the Falls we did a little shopping. I got a Tortuga Rum Cake that was absolutely delicious – I wish I got a few more. We also sampled some rum. Then is was back to the ship for lunch and a nap before getting ready for dinner.

The next day we were in Grand Cayman. We did snorkeling and a little shopping. I got myself a pair of Swaworski pink heart earrings that I will remember the trip.
After floating in the water and taking all kinds of pictures we headed back to the ship for lunch and more relaxation.

The next day was a day at sea, for us it was a day at the spa. We had massages and the facial treatments. I took some time to sit in the sauna and watched the sea go by. We had a wonderful meal and these are the girls who served us and made us feel so welcomed. They all thought that Diane and I were sisters!

Here we are disembarking, back in Miami. By evening we were back in the cold North of New York City and Boston. Both of us had a wonderful time.

A poem - Precious quiet

It comes by surprise
After the radio shuts off automatically
Usually when I am in the shower
And I emerge into a quiet home
Quiet filled with cloud filtered morning light
Gives loving space to the day
A meditation before the business sets in
To hear the birds outside my window
Snuggle with my cat
Her soft coat and rumbling purr
Sometimes to just sit in the quiet
And quiet me
Turning me to happy thoughts for the day
Or to let my soul open
To secrets beyond the quiet
That centers me
In the is precious quiet

Spring time and two poems

Spring’s first rain
Coyly hid the tops of the skyscrapers
In grey mist and cloud
And now I too want to be
In the mist and clouds
In the rain
It’s quiet buzz
On sidewalk and pavement
That leads me
To pianos, books
And warm purring cats


Putting away thoughts
That no longer help me
Or make me happy
But hurt me
By leading me into
Angry frustrated places
That lead me depressions
Spiral down staircase
Let them go
To think on good things
Being happy now
Loving myself just as I am
On hopeful goals
And positive ideas
Let me change
Dreary rainy Mondays
Into sunshine
For me

Loving even when life is boring

Dearest Friends -
After get past my 1 year anniversary and a wonderful cruise this week has felt like a downer. I worked so hard to get through February, preparing and doing the scan and then to have a wonderful cruise - now I feel a little lost.

Which leads me to another form of loving me. I have been thinking about this all week - how we give space and time to ourselves, or to me, to love ourselves/me. After all the work over the last month and year it feels time to put things down. Having gotten past a big milestone and made personal progress in life, I am now feeling I am on the other side of it. It feels like this milestone was more subtle especially psychically. Now I have a year to the next scan - so cancer is pushing my life as it has - so what pushes it now?

So this leads me to loving me - as much as I love to push myself, I also need to know when to rest and let things be quiet for a while - allowing time, space, even silence to create the window where the new energy will come. Maybe this is a time to just enjoy life - and then I hit a stubbling block - life all of a sudden seems so dull - how to enjoy dull? or work that seems - honestly - boring?

I keep trying to come back to what I am doing to love myself through this time. First - keeping positive - do positive things - in other words, don't let myself get down by this situation. Now - keep focused on the projects I am working on - Red Tent Temple and Vagina Monologues. Keep reaching out to friends and planning to do things with them. Being creative - poems - photography - starting to working on my paintings or hand died silk. There is one more element - the spiritual - doing my daily meditation - giving time and space to silence - doing personal rituals of care - like nice baths and naps - aromatherapy. Loving myself isn't just about doing but it is also about being - to be in a loving place within me - to keep telling myself "I love me" - forgiving myself, trying to re"talk" negative thoughts. Keeping true to myself - even if it goes against the grain of convention.

I guess I need to reaffirm these things to myself - remind myself of my postitive direction - no matter how subtle - to get me through some of the more quieter or boring days of this time right now.

Getting back in the NYC swing

My vacation was great but now I am getting back into the NYC swing. When I get pictures downloaded I will share them and my vacation story more then. It took me a few days to get used to walk on dry land again and I have had minor sinus issues since coming home. Right now I keep remembering the 80 degree sunny weather and the snorkeling. More to come soon.......

One year anniversary from Liberation

Wow! I made it through the year! I feel I can now say it loud and proud - I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR and I AM CANCER FREE!

Celebrated with Priscilla and George.

At 5:00AM I am off on my cruise. I am packed and ready to go! Now if I can just get a little rest, but I am so excited.

Will report in when I get back.

author of your own life story

Dear Friends -
This is another posting from the Daily OM that I wanted to share with you.

When you remember that you are the author of your own life story, you are free to create a masterpiece.


We all have our own life story. It is filled with relationships and events that help shape who we are and what we believe to be true about the world. Depending on our perspective and willingness to grow, our experiences can become fodder for negativity and patterns of playing the victim, or they can fuel a life of empowerment and continued self-development. It is the story we tell ourselves about what happens that makes all the difference.

Take a moment to look at the life story you create for yourself on an ongoing basis. If you generally feel peaceful about the past and trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way, then you are framing circumstances in a manner that serves you well. On the other hand, if you retain a lot of guilt or resentment and often feel weighed down by life, you may want to start telling yourself a new version of past and present events. No matter who the characters are in your story or what they have done, you are the only one who can give their actions the meaning they will have for you. You are the only one who can define what role you will play in your own life. By taking responsibility for your story, you are able to learn and grow, forgive and find compassion, and most importantly, move on into a brighter future.

From now on, you can choose a life story that supports you. Let it be proof of your own resilience and creativity. Be kind with the roles you give yourself and generous with how many chances you get to learn what you need to know. When you remember that you are the author of your own story, you are free to create a masterpiece.

Love's reflections

I just have to sit and write a little about some of the themes that have been running through my mind about love - not just loving myself but also the act of loving others.

First reflection:
On vulnerability - I don't know if I shared this TED talk with you. It was sent to me by my old boss and good friend. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability and it has had my mind turning thinking about a poem or poems about vulnerability and love. I have been searching for positive metaphors to use - maybe I just need to so a series using all kinds of metaphors instead of just using using one. Regardless of what I do I hope you will have a listen to what Brene has to say:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Second reflection:
Of loving myself through the fear. Again today I loved my fear and anxiety to help me. This time with great changes going on with my Mom and Dad and the deep love and emotion I feel for them. I realized when I wrote "I love my fear" that struck me as an odd statement. I feel all of a sudden that I should explain the phrase, as if you won't get it. Maybe I should state it as "I give my fear Love" which is a more accurate statement and better indicates what I do to my fear. I could right now go off on a tangent of what is fear and how giving love and comfort helps me understand why I am afraid and so then to love myself through a scary situation - well that is in short what I did today - instead of being anxious and scared about seeing Mom - I love myself and gave love to my fear to comfort it and me. The phrase that just came to me what "I was a loving mother to my fear" - which will most likely become a poem

Third reflection:
The is a puzzle of love - in loving others - the boundaries we set and why we are friends with people who challenge us - friends who are not like me in so many ways that even there is a huge gulf between us on many things - much of which remains unspoken -but that somehow there is a curious connection is made - I am not sure what kind of connection - and this I will leave up to the universe - but write about it in poems.....

Okay - now I can go to sleep I think - but part of me very much wants to get writing.....

Sweet dreams.

Love Songs

The night was filled with pink red purple Christmas lights
Red wine and a red velvet dress
As I sang to myself
Love songs
With Frank and Dino
Ella and the Indigo Girls
Song after song
I sang
I didn’t want to sleep
But sing all night long
With my arms wide open
And dancing with Peggy Lee
Because in singing love songs to myself
I fell in love
With me
And I could see the world differently
Whole and bright and full of possibility
Holding too the deep vulnerability
That is part of love
Like a moon lit ocean
Full of all fears and anxiety
Of how deep my love is
How it will hurt to let go
To hold both the struggle and the euphoria
Like a bottomless well
I will never find the end of
And maybe I shouldn’t
So I don’t know how or when to stop loving

Every day Love

Today is just today

Spring warm

So for the first time in two months

I can get out for a walk

And look up to the trees

To see if there are buds coming

Instead trudging home

Just to get out of the wind and cold

Today’s wind is warm

Teasing Spring to come

And yes

I touch on love today

Love for myself

I sent valentines to me

I bought roses and flowers

I’ve had chocolate

I have listened to my favorite love songs

I will eat something red for dinner

Maybe lasangna or red velvet cake

I will watch a favorite movie

And maybe take a bubble bath

All these things are for love of me

And I would do just a quick in June

As on February 14

Everyday should have

Bubble baths

And Spring Bud watching

Listening to Love songs

Loving always subtly everyday

All is good to go

Good morning all
Well all is good to go. I checked with the imaging place and authorizations are in place.

I really am not experiencing too much anxiety. Last night I was, heck I can't remember what I was doing other than lying on my bed when I all of a sudden thought - I have my faith back. Now, I have had some level of faith through out this journey - but my faith is to the point where I am not worrying so much about things - I don't feel so anxious. Now, that all may change come tomorrow morning - but at least for now I am doing pretty good.

So, tomorrow it will be pink robes, Rufus the dragon, Cathy, lanocaine and clonopin, if I need it

Getting ready for Friday

So, I am beginning to get things in order for Friday - and doing pretty good with the anxiety and stress. I called the scan place and talked to the technician. He seems to remember for 6 months ago. I reminded him about the lanocain and my sister holding my hand. I also called to check if I can wear my pink robe instead of one of their hospital gowns which never covers my ample size (even though I have lost 3 more pounds!) - I can wear the robe! My sister Cathy is coming - unless we have a freak Blizzard in the next day. I have reach out to a friend to take me home after my pancake breakfast and Priscilla and George are coming out to Queens on Saturday to make sure I am not too much a zombie after I crash from all the adrenaline in my body. Tomorrow I call the imaging place to make sure the authorizations are in place and pick up my sister. I am seeing my therapist tonight and picking up some flowers and comfort food and we should be good to go!

As my previous poem indicated that I am trying to love my fear - and so far I am doing pretty good - just tired.

Loving my fear

This morning
In the bitter cold
Quietly I turned
And loved my fear
I put my arms around her
Whispering
I love you
Warm as the spring sunshine
So I turned my face
Like sunflowers
Following the warm sun
And let it soak into my soul
And Anxiety was there too
So I gave her space
To be held
Singing sweet songs only my heart knows
And together we opened
The golden petals
In the gentle breeze
To the singing heart
Not knowing what was next
But that this was good

I love you - Part rant – part question – part hope

What is so hard about these three words? I mean for them to have genuine meaning. Now, please don’t get me wrong I hope I say them many times to many dear ones and they are said to me many times and I know they are deeply meant – but my point is maybe these words are not said enough. That we sometimes put more on the implied meaning of “I love you” through our actions of giving and support but the words themselves aren’t directly stated or the opposite happens – the words are said but they are not genuine. And so we have become wary of these three words. Why? Is it because of the word’s implied vulnerability? That it is a load question? Especially when it is a man saying it to a woman or a woman saying it to a man or to friends becoming lovers? Do they become confusing with ulterior motives or hidden agendas created by our suspicious minds? Is it that we want to put some qualification on Love? Or is it hard to love so completely, so unconditionally that we become afraid of it? Because we can only love as much as we can love and sometimes more. Or is it that love surprises us? Completely breaks down barriers and walls of our own construction that keeps us walled in. Or blesses us with quiet joy. Well my hope is that we say it to each other more and get over this discomfort – we give the love we can give. I want to spread these words around so they fill the air full of love. And let us not just say the words “I Love you” but to tell each other why we love them. Maybe for their laughter or generosity or inspiration or comforting by touch or word or their listening or honoring understanding or giving sacred silent to heal a hurt or their willingness to let you be silly or foolish and still to love you. You know how good you feel when you hear how special you are to someone, how honored and beloved. I know I feel extra special when I hear it. But sometimes I don’t hear it enough and I begin to doubt if my love is noticed or understood or reciprocated. When you think of someone kindly or remember them with great affection share it with them – warm their heart as your is warmed now. And in these tellings on why, begin to cherish again and again the action of saying “I Love You”

A NYC rain

Let the Rain wash my face
As I walk along Roosevelt Avenue
With the 7 train thunderous clattering overhead
And wash the dirty grey snow away
Let the Rain drops splash my face
As I head to the post office
To pick up a package
For my trip to the Caribbean
Let the Rain dampen my hair
As I climb ice crystal snow drifts
Ford giant curbside puddles
To soak into my skin
Breathe deep the damp chilled air
That warms me to walk
Blessed and Baptized

Today's poem - loving myself

In deeply loving myself
Have I put away the deep neediness
That has so long dwelt deep in my soul
And break this unwanted pattern
Fearing that no one will help me
Fearing that once caught in my web
My sticky neediness could be unsolvable
And trap you too in despair?
So I shielded you
And me from my own feared web
Now in loving myself more
I see through the web
How neediness is no longer needed
For now I say yes
That in loving me
I open to vulnerability
And in vulnerability I love my neediness
Not to perpetuate the pattern
But to sooth a balm
Of understanding
And so heal the neediness with my own Love
Of Loving myself

strategies to get me through the next week

I figured I would write here all the good things I can do to help me get through the next week -

Last night I queued up my favorite movies in Netflicks.
Do my best to eat healthy - also getting in some of my favorite foods
Know the friends I can call when I need to talk
Getting the script for clonepin filled - just in case
Having my winter exfoliate bath on Sunday
Seeing Jennifer Wednesday
Cathy coming down Thursday - barring any snowstorms
Looking forward to the pancake breakfast after the scan
Plan on having friends over for an easy dinner on Saturday
Call the imaging place to talk to tech about my needs
wearing rose oil and my heart bracelet
Remember to breathe and hold my breath
connecting with my quiet inner sacred place
Go to my comforting imaginary places
Carry around my red dragon Rufus

today's love poem

Talking myself out of a funk

To turn a day
From grumpy fear close to tears
Baseless anxiety
Based on not wanting to do it
Simply because it is change
(I hate to think I have become a stick in the mud)
To light hearted smiles
Takes me on a journey
I know I have to take
To be happy
It is
Learning to listen
To quiet whispers
Courage
Creating the space
In stillness
Turning to
Breathe in Breath out
Calm and ground
The thought of
“Try to see this as an adventure”
Or an opportunity
Where inner anxious knots
Give way to deep grounded breath
The inner whisper
I can do this
Then laughter and a smile
Such lightness breaks the knots
So I can love myself happy today

constellation of cancer scars

Lie on the bed
On pink patches
Stretching out my body
In the growing night twilight
Caressing the constellation
Of cancer’s scares
Fingering their soft flesh
Petting rose pink velvet gently down
Soothing their trauma
In loving strokes
As rolling hopeful prayer beads
Lovingly touch them touch me
Wholly cancer survivor

Touch my love tenderly

Touch my love tenderly
In magenta and red glowing lights
And the darkness crowding in
So my whole body aches with being alive
That my heart sings just for me
Bursting for the universe to hear my song
Knowing there is some other harmony
Resonance below and beyond me
Here I can soar out on the wind
Or quiet keep warm within the winter night

an experiment in self love

I have to say this is inspired by my friend Jennifer. We were talking about my poetry writing and getting it published. I told her of the one time that I get critized for my dreams of being a published poet and how hard that is for me still to overcome. This conversation got me thinking about poetry - and to this experiment for myself - to write love notes/poems to myself. I was always so good at writing love poems to others and using word craft to draw out delicate and sublime nuance of feeling. I have been doing an experiment in self love as a way of healing from the last year, with the helps of blogs and books, to reclaim my life and to find the true blessing of cancer, to turn it into a positive instead of fear.

So, what I am going to do is everyday write myself a love poem or note that touches on my life right now. For isn't that what poetry really is - love notes someone writes? Think of your favorite poems - why do you like them - is it the words used or images created that transport you somewhere else or touch a deep feeling that you have as well? When I did this little excercise for myself and thought of Robert Frost or Mary Oliver or Shakespeare, especially his sonnets, is comes down to their use of words and images that touch me, resonate with me. When I think of their poetry - it is like they are writing poems of love not just to me, but to themselves first and formost. So why don't I write poems that resonate with me as well - things that I love or words of encourage and praise that will help me through I tough time. Even words of frustation at the idiocy of everday life and how I can then find some hope in that craziness.

Since this is part of my rebirth from cancer - I will post my poems here and I hope they will, in some way, resonate for you too.

Making cancer a positive

"It's much harder to say I have a something that makes me different and understand that those differences are actually your assets. Flaunt what you got and trust me, all your dreams can come true. No one can ever reach their dreams by being negative and feeling bad for themselves."
************

Quoted from Lauren Ruotolo, author of Unstoppable in Stilettos.

Making cancer an asset - wow what a radical was to think about cancer - I want to move in that direction - and I am doing it by working with my church and creating a red tent.

But my instinct is still to try and run away. I got so anxious about going to the oncologist this week. I really just drained all my energy that yesterday I had no energy for anything. I confess, my brain and my emotions went back to a year ago. I tried to keep telling myself that I was in a different place, I even repeated all the names of friends who sent me good wishes for Tuesday's appointment. My brain and emotions really wanted to run and hide. During Tuesday I did pretty well until I got home and my body really just shut down in some kind of exhaustion.

Now I am proud of myself for Tuesday - Monday night I wrote out strategies to help me with Tuesday on a post-it. So here they are:
1. two imaginary places to go if I go really anxious - one a magical pool with a water fall where I could go and sit in the water feeling the falling water around me - my imaginary stone cirlce
2. I listed the work I needed to do at work that would keep my mind distracted
3. I wrote out a list of all my friends and family that I could repeat as a mantra of support
These things really did help me through the day.

So back to the quote - flaunt my differences - that I am a cancer survivor - Maybe there is a way to make the shift from still wanting to run away from it to embracing it - I think embracing cancer is a positive way for me accepting me as I am. So How to turn cancer into a positive?

To Rufus

The meeting with Dr. Blum, my oncologist went very well today. Rufus helped me get through the day. Isn't he a cute little dragon. He help chase my fears away. and Priscilla held my hand ;).

CT scan is set for Friday, February 11 at 10AM. This is excellent time ahead of the cruise at the end of February. We all know the results will be NED!!!!

seing the oncologist

I know I just sent you an email about my appointment tomorrow.

I just need to say that the fear came crashing over me - those scarries that send my brain into a time warp. Then all kinds of replies come in with prayers and encouragement and then I dig into my faith and my love for me and all of you - and then I am not so scared. I do cry a little for the fear and for all the love around me - it is okay to cry, to be scared, to know love, and to have courage. I have been doing really good about all of this, until today.

I am thinking of bringing a stuffed dragon I found to the doctors appointment. I don't care how silly I may seem - it makes me happy and helps me laugh and I need all of that to get through this - and Priscilla's hand to hold.

An Addendum and Happiness

From David Brooks of the NYTimes and the New Yorker

From his article "Social Animal"
"Happiness is a measure of how thickly the unconscious parts of our minds are intertwined with other people and with activities. Happiness is determinded by how much information and affection flows through covertly every day and year."

So I feel like I need to write an addendum to my previous post - and David Brook's quote does tie in, just bare with me.

My addendum is this - that I did the best I could and was a brave as I could be over the last year. I was reflecting back and considering what I might of done differently - not to wish that things might have been different - but to learn how to be happier now by making wiser choices. As I said that I couldn't conquer my fear and later on my anger and in that I also wish I made different choices; to be forgiven for not doing it prefectly or better or more gracefully, but rather humanly. In looking back to learn and remember that I was a victim of my fear and anger, but maybe not of cancer, and that what is done is done, what happened, happened, maybe for a reason beyond my understanding and that is learning to be a little wiser and happier now. To balance between my empowerment and victim of my fear in being human in coping. I can't change the past, nor do I want to - in many ways I am proud of how I coped with cancer. I did the best I could and try to deal with as gracfully and creativily as I could. And this is where David Brook's article quote comes in - that it is, at least for me, true. Happiness comes from being social and that is the better choice I am making now and in the future - to be more social - to be with people to surround myself with affection.

So now go read David Brooks article in the New York - it is funny, well written and very interesting.....

Being a victim of cancer - acknowledging my own failures

This post to a blog a subscribe to got my brain going - If you have anything you would like to add to this - or want to comment to me - please, I encourage you to do so - to share what you saw from your perspective.

Maybe I never said "why me" and yes I was too scared and too determined to keep living to worry about "why me?" But I did give Cancer power, the power to scare me - so I made myself a victim of cancer. I have always thought it just happened and I got through it the best I could. I did play the victim in anger when I would say "You don't get it, you haven't had cancer" or "You don't get it, you have no idea how scary all of this is." I also played the victim of not letting go and trusting more that things would be okay. I would read all of the cute sayings about cancer - and what it is not - but in my heart of hearts it was hard for me to really believe it. I felt powerless and fear. I felt like I was all thumbs and someone just asked me to play Beethoven's violin concerto. Giving my fear power and the cancer power lead me to feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

Did I wear my fear on my sleeve - yes, I admit it. Did I walk this journey with any dignity or grace - I tried, but I fell woefully short. Maybe through much of it was just a walk person in shock but from the shock, the fear took over.

Now, it is hard not to be a victim of cancer, cancer is a very scary thing and will all that treatment entails - the medical industry can leave one feeling helpless on top of being diagnosed with cancer. I tried to fight against the fear and feeling overwhelmed - I did the best I could.

Maybe it is understandable the power of fear and shock and cancer. Through most of last year it felt like being in time warp - just making it from one day to the next - The faith and love I did have for myself was taking it a step at a time. Honestly I wasn't even sure what it meant to "get through it" because, in the beginning, I wasn't sure I was. I felt to helpless and a drift from ordinary life. My creativity kept me going - relearning how to make me happy in small steps - and keeping friends around me - that is how I coped. I loved myself by always facing down my fear, summoning the courage and slowly a step at a time moving ahead. This is how I hung on to life, and maybe just wanting to live was all the loving I could for myself then. It may not have been gracious or pretty, but I think it was tenacious. I can only think it was a little like a terrier holding on for dear life to her favorite bone, my bone being life.

One of the fears that had power was my struggle with the feeling I was, on a certain level, dealing with all of this on my own. The level I mean is a very practical one - of making sure everything was taken care of, all my appointments and other things in life - as being single I didn't have anyone to pick up the pieces, or to hug me at night or make the coffee or dinner when I unable to do it and I didn't know how to ask for such help, and maybe I was unwilling to just let things go, but rather I tried to keep life as 'normal' as possible. Maybe I was like a horse pulling this cart of life and cancer, and I had blinders on. I couldn't see beyond what was immediately in front of me and I knew I had this burden I was carrying around. I couldn't always see or feel your support and love. I was numb with fear. Yes, I complained about this. Yes, I was overwhelmed by it all. Maybe I should have just let it go - or not worried about it in the face of what was going on - but what happened, happened and I move on. Again, I try to forgive myself for my shortcomings and remind myself I did the best I could. And maybe in this a played a little of the victim of not letting go. This was the one place I felt powerless. This too, is where I felt like I suffered in silence, and maybe writing things here helped break that silence. I tried to reach out - but the fear held me back - My fear contributed to letting myself feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

From this post did I let her get away with what she did - yes - and there I was the victim too - I didn't speak up then to address what was wrong at the time it happened. When I tried to, in anger, and things disintegrated further. So, I acknowledge my failure, for both being unable to speak up at the time and for my misplaced anger later on, and as such seek forgiveness, for myself and to anyone I hurt for what I was unable to do at the time. This goes to all of you who have followed these posts - If I hurt you - from my own anger and fear and lack of confidence - I am so sorry and ask your forgiveness.

I know I have expressed my appreciation for all the everyone did for me - and only now can I see and feel the collective love around me - I catch glimpses of it. It is like a fish eye lens that comes across my vision and I can see all of you cheering me on, and then it slips away. The blinders are starting to come of and I am finding the full range of my experience.

Finally - To the broader issue about this blog - loving myself. I am certainly learning to love myself more now. And I am learning to do so more and more. I think there is also a lot of grey area between being an all out victim and being wholly empowered. In many ways I did feel empowered because I was asking for help, in both general and specific ways. I also felt empowered by my creativity and a focus for my energy of hope, creating things made me happy. I also felt empowered by my tenaciousness - to keep take the steps, no matter how scary they were to me. But I also was a victim to myself for not asking for more, not necessarily of from all of you, but to be more bold and confident in asking for what I needed from the universe and trusting that help would come my way, for not pointing out when there was a problem, when I was angry and struggling with all that cancer was/is to me and not letting go.

So now that I have made my mia culpa - I will state boldly that I am loving myself more and gently forgiving myself my shortcomings - and feeling healthier and more trusting of life.

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posted by Daylle Deanna Schwartz @12:01pm

Self-love and allowing yourself to be ta victim don't work together. Victims rarely love themselves. It's not loving to let others manipulate you. I hear folks moan, "Why do people use me?" And groan, "Why me?" And whine, "I'll never get what I want because_____." Fill in that blank with, "because I allow myself to be a victim." It's your choice to be one. People don't make you a victim. You volunteer.

Victims blame others for making them feel powerless. But no one can take your power if you're not giving it away!

Do you blame others for being unhappy? Do you complain that you hate being a victim? Playing a victim is your choice. Nobody can force you to give up the power to make your own choices. When I take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong. When I was a DoorMat, I considered myself a victim. After all, everyone needed something from me.

• Why couldn't they be nice to me in return?
• Why did they take advantage of my nice nature?
• Why was I always taken for granted and not appreciated for doing SO MUCH for everyone?

Simple answer: I let them do it. I allowed them to walk all over me by not saying no or expressing how I felt about how I was treated. Self-pity replaced my power and I had plenty of that. "Poor me, always the victim of everyone's selfishness and inconsiderate behavior!" I was also angry and frustrated a lot, though I put on a smile for those who I blamed. So I suffered in silence. My deep insecurity and lack of self-worth made me feel that I deserved to be unhappy since I wasn't perfect.

Listen carefully. It's YOUR choice to accept behavior you don't like, or to change your response to it. The more you love yourself, the less likely that you'd allow yourself to be a victim.

If you're taught that confronting its source isn't nice, you suffer. This is poison! You get no points for suffering. None! Nada! You deserve happiness! Asking "why me?" when life isn't good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.

Do you accept suffering as punishment for not "being good enough?"

That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I suffered as a lifestyle. Now it's banned! It's your choice to adopt a victim mentality or handle situations in ways that give control back to you. Don't give others power over you.

• "He makes me feel unattractive." It's your choice to feel unattractive! You have the power to ignore criticism.

• "My girlfriend spends all my money and I'm always broke because of it." It's your choice to give her access to your money and to be with someone who takes advantage like that!

• "I always have to pick up the slack for my co-workers while they do their personal business instead." It's your choice to agree to do their work and not speak up about it!

• "My mother always tells me what to do." If you're an adult, it's your choice to listen or do what you want!

Your response determines whether you're a victim or a powerful person. I know it's hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect. Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won't allow it. And nobody is a victim unless they choose to be. Once I stood up to people, I saw how much power I had. Victims feel helpless, which brings self-esteem down and down and down. But you're not helpless.

You always have spiritual support in lifting yourself up from living as a victim to setting boundaries and being happier.

It's all in your court. Think about what makes you feel like a victim and how you can change the dynamic. The more you nurture self-love, the less you'll allow people to treat you poorly. When you love yourself, you won't want to allow yourself to be a victim. Being a Nice Person on Top Is certainly much better!

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2011/01/do-you-choose-to-be-a-victim.html#ixzz1B29yah1F

Giving away power - and reclaiming it

This comes from a daily email I get, The Daily OM, and I think speaks to something I have been trying to get at in my recent posts - though I haven't expressed in this way. I think it is an issue that is faced in being sick and dealing with world of sickness and the ins and outs of health care, and dealing with doctors. I also think that along with the feeling of not being heard, that I struggled with giving my power away in an effort to keep the peace with my friend.

It is hard to know when I am giving away my power and when I should reclaim it. It is something I am working on......and I am just sharing it with you as food for thought.....


January 5, 2011
Repressing The Inner Voice
Giving Away Power
Giving away our power is something we have been taught since childhood by unaware adults in our lives.


In many ways, we are taught from the time we are children to give away our power to others. When we were told to kiss and hug relatives or friends of the family when we didn't want to, for example, we were learning to override our inner sense of knowing and our right to determine for ourselves what we want to do. This repression continued, most likely, in many experiences at school and in situations at work. At this point, we may not even know how to hold on to our power, because giving it away is so automatic and ingrained.

To some degree, giving our energy to other people is simply part of the social contract, and we feel that we have to do it in order to survive. It is possible to exchange energy in a way that preserves our inner integrity and stability. This begins in a small way: by listening to the voice that continues to let us know what we want, no matter how many times we override its messages.

Other examples of how we give away our power are buying into trends, letting other people always make decisions for us, not voting, and not voicing an opinion when an inappropriate joke is made. But with not giving our power away we must also be aware of the opposite side, which is standing in our power but being aggressive. Being aggressive is a form of fear, and the remedy is to let our inner balance come back into play.

As we build a relationship with our power, and follow it, we begin to see that we don't always have to do what we're being asked to do by others, and we don't have to jump on every trend. All we have to do is have the confidence to listen to our own voice and let it guide us as we make our own decisions in life and remember the necessity for balance.

questions of anger and victims

Where is the line

Between righteous anger and being a victim

How can one be honest

Yet not play the role of victim

Should anger not be acknowledged

Is it other’s discomfort of anger

That should stop expression of disappointment’s anger

Is the anger inappropriate

Here to stumble to feeling guilty

About playing the cancer card

About being angry

About falling unaware

A little

Into playing the role of victim

Is expressing anger

A way of working it out

No matter how uncomfortable for others

Is playing the victim

Not sometimes appropriate

Or is it always to be looked down upon

Scorned as weakness

Deemed unworthy of compassion

Can not a victim call experience valid

If only to speak some truth of a journey

If only that some truth be heard

Happy New Year 2011

Bright New Year's greeting to you all. I for one am looking forward to 2011 and am glad to leave 2010 behind. I hope for all of you happiness, joy, peace and prosperity.

I write tonight because I am able to heal my hurting thorn a little more. I realized that I can let go my need for her to understand all that I have gone through and I can let go need to tell her. I can let go of my hurt feeling that I was not listened to or heard by her. I have others in my life who have heard me and listened to me. She has karma to work out as do I and everyone else, and I pray that she does. With this letting go maybe I can take her off the pedistal or maybe a tall dias that I still had her on, and bring her down to earth. I feel like I can let this rest more now and let it go a little more and I don't feel that hurt right now. I forgive her for she knows not what she does.

I hope this year brings me continued healing, continued opportunities to break the silence and to find my voice, to know that it be heard, that I continue to find happiness and support and love in my life and that I continue to give it and that I give with love and generousity. I hope this year to get healthier, to continue to loss weight and to have hope and faith in all that I do. I even hope that I will find an intimate/loving/respectful/sexy relationship with some one special. Finally I wish that my faith continue to grow and my spiritual practice continue to nourish me in all that I do.

I hope you have many good wishes for 2011 too.