I think I am still in a vacation glow. It hasn't worn off yet! I got back home about 12:30 Monday morning. Montana was amazing! Gold Creek is in the foothills of the Rockies, so no big mountains, but still a big landscape. I did all kinds of fun things and made great friends. Pictures and stories to come. Here is just a teaser: hiking up a butte, hot tub, line dancing, horseback riding, watching the sunrise. I spent Monday and Tuesday sleeping, unpacking and spending time with Soma and watching movies. I didn't want my Montana bubble to burst, but alas, work calls.
I always have this post vacation/pre work anxiety about going back to work. The chatter ranges from "I've lost my job" and "what I am going to walk into" as in crisis or "I want to go back to Montana" or other wonderful place I have been. I also have this feeling of "okay, what next?" and as such feel a little lost inside, with cancer now moving to a back burner in my life. My mind has yet to let go that unwarranted anxiety - things where fine when I got to work and my co-workers genuinely glad to see me and it feels good to be back to this routine.
I can't wait to share more pictures and stories with you.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sooo excited!
OMGoddess! I am so excited. So much so I sent out the blog without writing anything in it.
So, let's start today with butterflies and airplanes. I saw a King Billy/Monarch butterfly on my way to work today - and then moments later an airplane. Butterflies have become a symbol for me because of the ability to change from catepillar to butterfly - I feel like cancer was my chrysalis of change. Now airplanes. I said to myself "I am going to be on one of those come early Thursday morning!"
I am just getting so excited I can barely focus my attention. In an odd way, thank goddess for work which forces me to focus on more mundane things and keeps me from getting so excited where I give myself a headache.
Last night I started planning what I am going to bring on my trip and creating a to-do list for pre-packing. I am taking off tomorrow to pack and pamper myself and hangout and talke with girlfriends all day. I have a session with my life coach, my therapist and later afternoon coffee with a friend. Doing those things will I hope keep me some how grounded so I don't get too excited.
I am not expecting to sleep too much tomorrow night - I usually can't sleep before a big trip I am just too excited. I will get a cab to the airport around 5:30 or 6. My flight leaves at 7. I think tomorrow night, to try to relax, I will watch movies, take a leasurly bath and again try to relax.
I will give a full report - with pictures when I get back.
So, let's start today with butterflies and airplanes. I saw a King Billy/Monarch butterfly on my way to work today - and then moments later an airplane. Butterflies have become a symbol for me because of the ability to change from catepillar to butterfly - I feel like cancer was my chrysalis of change. Now airplanes. I said to myself "I am going to be on one of those come early Thursday morning!"
I am just getting so excited I can barely focus my attention. In an odd way, thank goddess for work which forces me to focus on more mundane things and keeps me from getting so excited where I give myself a headache.
Last night I started planning what I am going to bring on my trip and creating a to-do list for pre-packing. I am taking off tomorrow to pack and pamper myself and hangout and talke with girlfriends all day. I have a session with my life coach, my therapist and later afternoon coffee with a friend. Doing those things will I hope keep me some how grounded so I don't get too excited.
I am not expecting to sleep too much tomorrow night - I usually can't sleep before a big trip I am just too excited. I will get a cab to the airport around 5:30 or 6. My flight leaves at 7. I think tomorrow night, to try to relax, I will watch movies, take a leasurly bath and again try to relax.
I will give a full report - with pictures when I get back.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
celebrations
Good morning all -
I am in a good mood for a Tuesday! I think it was the good night's sleep I got last night. In bed early (for me) and slept until 6:30!
Well, I did a little celebrating over the weekend. First I went wave dancing with Beth. Wave dance or movement was developed by Gabriella Roth as a form of meditation. There are five movements flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical, and stillness. It was amazing and it is serendipidous that Beth and I did this. Beth was the person I had lunch with after I first heard I had a GIST tumor. And Friday she was there as I took the final step across the threshold of being well again. I think the dance was that threshold. The chaos movement got me to crying and Beth was there to hold and hug me until it was all out and we swayed together in this connection as part of the dance. I was blessed and honored that Beth was there not only to hold and comfort me but to support me as I moved forward. My body didn't ache too badly on the way home or the next day. My key clue is if my feet really hurt - and they didn't - but it was most definitely both a great work out and a wonderful meditation.
Saturday I share a bottle of champagne with George and Priscilla. We had Thai take out and talked for hours - probably could have talk until the wee hours of the morning. I was wanted to celebrate with them because Priscilla you saw the most of anyone - you amaze me. You calmed me down when I was frantic with fear - you let me cry on your shoulder - hold your hand when I felt like a deer in headlights - you took me where I was at most of the time and was willing to just be with me - from these all three of us have become deeper friends - and that is what I am most grateful for.
In fact I think I think I have become closer to all of you who have listened to me here. I feel that is a blessing and I am so gratful for this great and wonderful connection.
I am in a good mood for a Tuesday! I think it was the good night's sleep I got last night. In bed early (for me) and slept until 6:30!
Well, I did a little celebrating over the weekend. First I went wave dancing with Beth. Wave dance or movement was developed by Gabriella Roth as a form of meditation. There are five movements flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical, and stillness. It was amazing and it is serendipidous that Beth and I did this. Beth was the person I had lunch with after I first heard I had a GIST tumor. And Friday she was there as I took the final step across the threshold of being well again. I think the dance was that threshold. The chaos movement got me to crying and Beth was there to hold and hug me until it was all out and we swayed together in this connection as part of the dance. I was blessed and honored that Beth was there not only to hold and comfort me but to support me as I moved forward. My body didn't ache too badly on the way home or the next day. My key clue is if my feet really hurt - and they didn't - but it was most definitely both a great work out and a wonderful meditation.
Saturday I share a bottle of champagne with George and Priscilla. We had Thai take out and talked for hours - probably could have talk until the wee hours of the morning. I was wanted to celebrate with them because Priscilla you saw the most of anyone - you amaze me. You calmed me down when I was frantic with fear - you let me cry on your shoulder - hold your hand when I felt like a deer in headlights - you took me where I was at most of the time and was willing to just be with me - from these all three of us have become deeper friends - and that is what I am most grateful for.
In fact I think I think I have become closer to all of you who have listened to me here. I feel that is a blessing and I am so gratful for this great and wonderful connection.
Friday, September 10, 2010
a celebration in words
All at once
I want to fly cry shout sing dance
let the drums in the subway announce my joy to all
but I am the only one who knows
I want to fly like fireworks with sparkle as my tail
And burst into a thousand colored glittering lights
Lighting the dark of the night
hearing the echoes of oooo’s and aw’s
I want to dance
Let my body move with excitement
While tears of relief roll down my cheeks
Let Melissa sing to me
How they cut into my skin, they cut into my body,
but they will never get a piece of my soul
Here is my battle cry for hope now and always
Lady Stardust
Spread your hair across the universe and magic let us in
Lets fly into the Milky Way
Let play this song on and on until the dawn and never let them win
I try to say things that matter
To all those faces
Who I cry to now for all you have done to lift me up and comfort me
Here I celebrate in words
I wish I could bundle you up in a big hug and laugh and giggle forever
I want to roll down a grassy hill and laugh
Jump around silly
Shake all of me
Till there is nothing left in me but happy light
I want to go to the tallest hill
In the bright morning light and shout
I am cancer free
I want the world the hear – even the universe
Let me carry lesson forward
Of reaching out and speaking up
Be honest and true
Cry when you need to cry and let it all out
And after all this
Let us celebrate
Let me just smile and glow
You know why
I want to fly cry shout sing dance
let the drums in the subway announce my joy to all
but I am the only one who knows
I want to fly like fireworks with sparkle as my tail
And burst into a thousand colored glittering lights
Lighting the dark of the night
hearing the echoes of oooo’s and aw’s
I want to dance
Let my body move with excitement
While tears of relief roll down my cheeks
Let Melissa sing to me
How they cut into my skin, they cut into my body,
but they will never get a piece of my soul
Here is my battle cry for hope now and always
Lady Stardust
Spread your hair across the universe and magic let us in
Lets fly into the Milky Way
Let play this song on and on until the dawn and never let them win
I try to say things that matter
To all those faces
Who I cry to now for all you have done to lift me up and comfort me
Here I celebrate in words
I wish I could bundle you up in a big hug and laugh and giggle forever
I want to roll down a grassy hill and laugh
Jump around silly
Shake all of me
Till there is nothing left in me but happy light
I want to go to the tallest hill
In the bright morning light and shout
I am cancer free
I want the world the hear – even the universe
Let me carry lesson forward
Of reaching out and speaking up
Be honest and true
Cry when you need to cry and let it all out
And after all this
Let us celebrate
Let me just smile and glow
You know why
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Quick update
It is offical - I just got off the phone with Dr. Picon! - I am NED! I want to celebrate again! and again! I am so happy! I will see him again in 6 months.
Wow - it has been a little while since I chatted away here.
Life has been pretty boring lately - which I welcome! I don't have something going on every evening during the week. It is nice to just go home and relax with Soma and watch TV or a movie. A nice change in pace.
My support group is now shifting to every week. We had a good meeting last night with new people coming in. It is a great place to talk about our experiences with cancer and other things going on in life. I may graduate in a little while since things have turned around significantly and I feel really good.
What other things have going on? Well, I got my blue bead rope done - and have to restring it - I don't like part of it so I need to adjust it. I also go a pair of earrings made with purple/blue/pink - my three favorite colors! I have another jewelry set to in the wings and a couple of thank yous to create - so all this "free" time I should get to it - I will, I will..... I may go bead hunting this weekend.
Over all I feel very positive. I do my little meditations in the morning. I hope to connect with a woman who practices celtic spirituality. This is one of the things that I found I needed to seek out as I recovered from cancer - to find someone or a group of someones to study and practice with. I haven't ever been in a coven or practiced with others and I found that I needed to share this part of me with others and to learn from them as well. I sought out the coven and I will see how that goes, but now there is also a women who in interested in connecting with someone and a mutual friend has introduced us. So again - I go along and see what happens.
I am slowly planting my Red Temple seeds and nuturing them. Trying to connect with other women is what I am trying to do now and is a little frustrating, but I am not giving up.
I am looking forward to fall in many ways.....but now I have to get back to work....
Wow - it has been a little while since I chatted away here.
Life has been pretty boring lately - which I welcome! I don't have something going on every evening during the week. It is nice to just go home and relax with Soma and watch TV or a movie. A nice change in pace.
My support group is now shifting to every week. We had a good meeting last night with new people coming in. It is a great place to talk about our experiences with cancer and other things going on in life. I may graduate in a little while since things have turned around significantly and I feel really good.
What other things have going on? Well, I got my blue bead rope done - and have to restring it - I don't like part of it so I need to adjust it. I also go a pair of earrings made with purple/blue/pink - my three favorite colors! I have another jewelry set to in the wings and a couple of thank yous to create - so all this "free" time I should get to it - I will, I will..... I may go bead hunting this weekend.
Over all I feel very positive. I do my little meditations in the morning. I hope to connect with a woman who practices celtic spirituality. This is one of the things that I found I needed to seek out as I recovered from cancer - to find someone or a group of someones to study and practice with. I haven't ever been in a coven or practiced with others and I found that I needed to share this part of me with others and to learn from them as well. I sought out the coven and I will see how that goes, but now there is also a women who in interested in connecting with someone and a mutual friend has introduced us. So again - I go along and see what happens.
I am slowly planting my Red Temple seeds and nuturing them. Trying to connect with other women is what I am trying to do now and is a little frustrating, but I am not giving up.
I am looking forward to fall in many ways.....but now I have to get back to work....
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