Frigid Friday and the NYC Subway

Actually these two topics are really unrelated.

First, it is cold here in NYC - now I know what Minnesotans feel like with all that cold. I am glad a put on some extra layers this morning. I am not really complaining about the cold. The cold, I have always thought, brightens and wakes me up - I just won't be taking a long walk today in the cold - that is a bit too much for me, thought I dearly want to get out and walk now that my cold is breaking up.

And that is the only way the weather and the NYC subway are connected for me this morning. This may sound strange to my fellow NYCers but, both last night going home and again this morning, I welcomed traveling on the subway after a couple of days of pouring myself into cabs to drag myself to and from work. Last night it felt good to take the subway home. To me the subway is one of the enchantments of NYC. I know, like any good NYCer I have my pet peeves about traveling the subway - people sitting on stairs (I have to resist the urge to kick them in the head as I come down the stairs) - those standing like statues in subway doors not letting you on or off - and those standing on the platform who try to get on before those getting off get out. I could go on but that isn't my point. For me the NYC subway is also the city's artery system - it is one of the many pulses NYC moves to and I find it fascinating how the system was put together, tying together at least 4 of the bouroughs, and that for the most part it works. It gets me from point A to point B fairly consistently. There are many enchantments for NYC - for me it is the skyline lit up at night, watching the turn from day to night, turning on her lights and the subway and the way it gets millions of people around, every day.

So - this chatty post is a good sign - the chattier I am the better I am feeling - Everyone have a great Friday.....

Snow flurries, head colds and faith

I haven't written in a few days because of this head cold I have. Head colds just lay me out - mostly in bed for 3-4 days. My head just wants to find a pillow and then for me to close my eyes. My minimum requirement in such times is for me to breathe through my nose, which can be impossible without help. Thank heavens for cold medicines! I am still stuffed up but at least the fog and sinus pressure have lifted so I can at least function and drag myself into work.

This morning there were snow flurries in NYC. As I got to work I couldn't help but stop and just let the snow fall around me. For me snow is magical in that way. I wished I had my camera with me this morning - to just walk around and do some photo therapy, it would have done my soul good. Well, I wasn't thinking of that when I walked out the door this morning.

I have been thinking about faith lately. This has been encouraged by my reading of Ted Kennedy's "True Compass". I have been wondering where it comes from, how we cultivated it. No insights yet, just pondering....

Being with Friends

Wow! I never expected this - but I am going to miss my sister not coming to NYC this weekend. I hadn't realized how important it was to me until I began thinking how lonely my Saturday will be - and then I started to panic. I paniced about being alone. So, again the panic is telling me something - to set up all the weekends pre-surgery to either be with someone or to have a "date" to meet so I have something to look forward to.

Normally I don't panic at being alone - but I am not at a normal time in my life. Usually I welcome time alone to get things I want to do done - to take care of myself - to do things for me. But now doing things for me means being with friends and having people to talk to. Now I know I can call people, but I really need to be with people as much as I can.

Liberation Day

So, I have a day set for surgery - February 25! Liberation Day (thanks for the idea Whit). The day when what shouldn't be there comes out. I have to confess that my lower lip quivered and a few tears fell and the scaries wanted to make my insides melt into crying - but no - I call my friend Priscilla - we talked a little - mostly about if I should work Monday and Tuesday before - and we agree I should just to keep the routine and not let idolness exaserbate my anxiety - and then I said "I have work to do" and I have just kept at it until now. Well I took a little lunch break to see if the Pratt Store had glitter - an ingredient most important to me in almost any creative project I do - and Yes they have glitter glue - even better.....and in colors I want....the bestest....

A good day - finally

No panic or anxiety today! I moved paperwork forward a little. Got some nice phone calls that really do lift my spirits - especially when there is laughter involved. I keep reviewing my little "surgery to-do list", adding things on - and most importantly crossing things off. I got a big project done at work which takes off some pressure there. I am looking forward to maybe working on one of my creative projects tonight - to keep the good vibe going. Maybe I can start a string of good days.

being hard on myself

Okay - so I have a confession - and maybe I have confessed it before here - but I think I am hard on myself - meaning I take things too seriously, panic with things don't go "right" - that is what I see as the way things should go or a way that I have invested some positive energy to move forward and sometimes chastise myself when they go wrong. I just put it out there - right now I am not sure how to address this but I do have some ideas. I keep telling myself - take it easy on me - let it go. Sometimes it is hard to know what to hold onto and what to let go of. And sometimes it changes. Maybe lowering my standards a little - meaning focusing on what is really important and letting go stuff that I just don't need to be done now. Or telling me "Cut yourself a break" - "Do you really need to do this npw?" or "Is this really important?"- "what can you do to feel happy or focus on something that takes your mind away from all the details I think I need to take care of." - So just saying this to all of you makes me mindful of it - it gets it out of my head and gut so it can run around - at least for today and bother me - and I will just keep trying not to be so hard on myself.

using anxiety

If I can get to the questions that anxiety is asking - then I can work on the answer. This is one way I use anxiety - to move me forward. Today I followed up on questions about paperwork and for the surgeon, and now I feel better, because I have a few more answers and a few more things to follow up on. Sometimes it is hard to get at the questions when I am not sure what I am asking, so I keep trying to find the words that fit what I am trying to ask. I had to babble a little to the surgeon's receptionist until I was able to get my question out and then we talked a little about timing and process and going back to work. The anxiety and needing to ask the question - and keep asking until I get it right so I get the information I need helps me move forward.

I also use anxiety as a way to tell me that I need to get out and excercise - to move the anxious energy that is stress and tension and reducing stress and tension reduces the anxiety.

Finding ways of coping with the fear and anxiety and turning it from fear to courage and strength will be a journey over the next 5-6 weeks. There are other ways that as I discover, or rediscover them, I hope to share.

from basket case to brave face and back again

I have kinds of shut down over the last few days. I was hiding away not talking here - keeping it honest like I promised myself I would. I tried to put on the brave front and I don't feel brave at all. Yes, I confess to some I was putting on the cheery disposition when I really felt scared as shit. And that brave front was keeping me from reaching out to my friends.

I am still scared and today it seemed to sink in - especially since there is now a date(still tenative) for the surgery.

I really feel like I have to almost drop everything else right now and just focus on work and getting ready for this surgery. I sense that I really don't have the mental energy or emotional energy to spend on things right now. The things I will spend energy on is time that will being me in contact with my friends, but beyond that my brain is having a hard time thinking about anything else right now.

Most important over the next 5-6 weeks to be honest with myself and to give myself permission to feel what ever I feel - no apologies and no trying to fit what others need. I need to focus on me, my healing, my health, my sanity getting through this.

Part of my really wishes I could crawl under a rock or hide under the covers and then come out when it is time for the surgery.

from Amazon to basket case

It has been another crazy and difficult set of days. It feels like I am in the middle of a vortex. Things just don't go simply. It is just a roller coaster - from sweet serenity to dashed hopes to feeling like an Amazon at the surgeon today and now I don't know where I am at and I can't sleep. At least there is now a tentative surgery date - and it seems have I have traded one set of fears for another and other charge back in as well - I guess the two concerns right now or taking care of the kidney issues first and then how will all the surgery recovery will work out - time in hospital, recovery - when I can get back to work - it is all still very vague - which I wish it was not. After doing so well at the surgeon's I feel lost - these seems to get harder as it goes on - it feels hard to take the next step right now - even though that step is calling the urologist to get the next kidney procedure underway. Right now it feels very overwhelming.

being honest about being scared

Yes - tonight I am scared and alone.

I have permission from other cancer survivors to be scared - and this actually helps me be less scared. Even though tomorrow doctors appointment is with the urologist - I am still scared - scared they will find something else wrong - or just plain scared.

Now being alone. Let's face facts - I am here only with my cat - so I am alone - no one else is physically with me.

So I it is up to me to face this alone. I wish someone else would understand this - maybe someone else who lives alone and who must face such fears. I want someone else to get it - not just say they understand me, but understand my experience - of being scared and alone and facing this big challenge alone. Here is another definition of alone - one who has to make all the choices and decisions by oneself - alone. I know you all care, deeply, but you aren't here, right now, sitting with me, to simply give me company nor are you able to make those choices and desicions for me.

Heck - this little rant is even part of my fear, part of my trying to make sense and feeling like I am failing abismally - even of the little things - this I know if the fear talking. And is there a note of a little anger - sure - because I feel like what I am experiencing is not really being understood.

Now, most of you will say to me you aren't going through this alone. And I agree because you have been there to help out in some really tough moments, but right now I am splitting hairs and I am calling on symantics and differing perspectives and asking you to try to see my view or walk in my moccasins for 1 day - because I want to make a point. The point being, while I do have all your loving support and you have helped me get through this by being there for me to listen to me cry on the phone and held my hand went I freaked out a needles and been to almost every doctor's appointment - there is a point where you can't be with me - you can't all come home with me, you can't come to work with me or be with me at night or make the desicions.

Maybe we should change the phrase from "you aren't going through this alone" to "we will be there to guide and support you" or "we will be there to help you with what every you needed" or "I am only a phone call away" or "let me tell you my story so you can gain information that might be helpful to you". I guess another thing I am getting at is in using language lets stop being lazy by using such pat phrases - let's think about what we are saying and then say what we mean.

Ephiphanies and falling apart

Since the holidays have ended now I have to get on with getting through the rest of winter I have been getting up very early - before the sun - and walk/jogging - not only to take off those few extra pounds I put on during holidays - but to also help with all this extra nervous anxious energy I have.

During this morning work out I had one ephiphany - at least that I can remember - and it runs along the lines of trying to be present to the now - but with a twist in observation - it is this - all my life I have tried to anticipate what might happen. I have always tried to prepare myself of every possibility - and I realized this morning how silly that thinking is - I can't prepare myself or make myself ready in any way for what might happen in the future. And the fact that I try to prepare just feeds into my anxiety about things. I found myself during my run saying to myself - "Stop it - stop trying to prepare yourself - stop trying to project into the future to protect yourself from upset/pain/what ever" Now this is a habit I have had for years and am now trying to break - but it is hard - realizing the pattern is a good first step - and will help me pull back to living and being in the now.

Then later today I fell apart. When I say this I mean I couldn't emotionally hold things together anymore and my gut felt like it was on the floor. Maybe it was sister-in-law telling me of someone we both knew died of cancer - maybe it was the silly but upsetting situation of trying to get an important drug script filled and the doctor make a mistake so I had to back track to get an new scrip. An understandable mistake - but it just upset me since i have had problems getting this script refilled recently because of people various mistakes. So I come home from work and take my happy pill and take a nap. First coming back to my apartment is for me coming back to my sanctuary, my safe place where I can let all the barriers down. Then to naps. Naps have the wonderful power and charm of resetting things - especially curdling up with teddy bears and purring cats - in our bodies, in our minds - giving me a break - a chance to recollect myself.

So now in the evening I am not feeling quiet to bad - at least my guts aren't out on the floor and only little bouts of tears. I am confident good night's sleep will set me right. And I will keep trying to keep living in the now, in the moment, and try not to project into the future to try to prepare myself for the unknown. "Keep breathing - think PINK - I am alive - my goddesses are with me and my friends are there too - so keep going a step at a time....."

My overactive imagination

So Monday isn't so bad! Taxi cab rides to work certainly help when I can't get out the door quite on time.

But last night was the turn - thinking of the various things I had to work on and that not all my life is doctors and such. I was really feeling very positive - even reved up when I went to bed last night. Unfortunately that made falling asleep more difficult - now my mind was thinking of good things. And I have already gotten the medical stuff out of the way, so I have the rest of the day to work.

It is kind of quiet here today - it feels like the office hasn't quite woke up from it's holiday stupor. Maybe the boss being out sick today contributes to that feeling. So I can gets lots done!

So, I will now give a cheers to this Monday.

Hugs and Mondays

How good it is to have friends that give good hugs - that just hold me when I am scared, especially of Mondays.

Mondays mean getting back to reality - talking to doctors, making appointments, and dealing with my various medical things. Today I was scared of Monday - and most Mondays are hard for me. During the weekend I can put all this down and relax and become grounded, confident and unafraid. Mondays is going back to the other stuff. I am still working on bring that grounded confidence and courage with me into the week.

So to friends with great arms that hold me, let me cry, and whisper my fears in their ears, so I can go back out into the everyday world and not be so afraid.

It seems as I go through this maybe I am getting a little stronger and not quite so scared as I was in the beginning - but there is still a lot to face - and I will leave it until I have to face it.