Two Months and 4 days

Yup! it is that since my surgery. And I am back to life before I knew what a GIST was - well almost. Maybe this is the let down after a good fight. The elation is over, the euphoria of coming through okay is gone. Regular life returns and it seems horribly dull and rather disappointing.

This doesn't mean I am not working on those things that I said I wanted to do post-surgery - I am. I am helping another women who is fighting lung cancer, I visit with her at Hope Lodge here in the city. And I am working with a friend who will help me find my everyday passion again, to help me find ways to give back and pay it forward (I might volunteer at Hope Lodge) as well as help me plan some for the future I want to be in for myself. It just feels now, so ordinary.

Maybe my not chatting so much here is another indication of the ordinary life returning. I don't feel the burning need to talk about things quite so much now. I keep reminding myself of the lesson I have learned - keep reaching out to people, take things a day at a time or a step at a time, take time to take care of myself, speak up when I need something, the importance to keep my creativity alive everyday, and to not worry so much - laugh everyday(I am working on this one!)

One thing I can say is it does feel good not to feel so emotional all the time - this is one area of quiet I like.

Taking care of my body

As I get back to my old strength and energy I am finding that I feel a little skittish about my body - that I don't quite trust it or myself. When a friend recently asked me if it felt like my body betrayed me - I said no - betrayal to me is such a violent word - like now all deals are off. Just to be clear I consult a dictionary and look up betray and such phrases as break faith or fail to meet hopes, deceive, lead astray, seduce or desert or deceive.

Maybe I am being simplistic or too literal but how can my body betray me? My body and are are one - not seperate things. It is my body and the only one I have - I can't go about deserting it in favor of a new model so this is what I have. I feel like right now I am stand by it and trying to do good by it and it is standing by me pretty well right now. These certain cells got their DNA scrambled and went hey wire - a mutation. That mutation has been taken out and I am now moving on. Maybe this is a little of my mind body disconnect or just being matter of fact but things in the body go wrong, things don't always work the way we want.

But I get off point because I even if I don't feel some deep emotion about my cancer at least as far as my body is concerned (my emotions are another matter) I am still feeling skittish or tentative about my body, about pleasure and enjoying life. I don't want to do my yearly check up or my mammogram. I don't want to deal with doctors for a little while or deal with needles or having blood taken or tests administered. It really feels like I just want things to be for a little while. I really want to enjoy my body as it functions right now - so I am going to put down all those other shoulds for a little while and just focus on finding ways of enjoying life and laughing and really loving my body.

I realized this morning that I need to start laughing more as a way of bring more happiness into my life and even more pleasure. And I also need to be more concious about loving my body - lavishing not just care but pampering it. So over the next few months I think I will take lovely baths, laugh at nothing, just to laugh - deep long and hard and go to my korean spa for TLC.

A Birth Week

I am almost through another Monday, though tired, I am doing pretty good. I got things done this past weekend which felt really good and I didn't get really tired out. I think my muscles ache because I am not used to so much activity. I got my beads this weekend - a big accomplishment and I got other little things done. I am calling this a Birth Week because, though my birthday is 4.21, I am going out most nights for fun with various friends and one of my sisters is coming to visit this weekend. She also has an April Taurus birthday, so we will celebrate together and I am looking forward to that too.

Things continue to improve little by little - my little incision hurt every so often, well really ache and they don't like have a waistband on them all day - they feel a little tender after a day like that. I didn't collapse this weekend but got out each day and did something out about in the city which was really good. It feels good to be getting back up to pace. I am getting out every day for a walk, though not too long. I look forward to that improving as well.

That is all for now. Enjoy Spring.

What keeps me going - Music

Monday mornings, no matter how fine the weather, gives me the blues. This morning it was what I didn't get done over the weekend, both in the way of mundane things and projects, and wondering if a new blood pressure med is causing certain of my aches and pains. It may also be that each Monday lately brings a sense that normal life is seeping back and the novelty of feeling reborn is wearing off.

So, this brings me to music. It never fails to cheer me up or allow me to go to some special place full of a feeling for the preciousness of life. This morning it was coming in a turning on my work computer and my celtic music that I was listening to on Friday before our Scottish party. This music gets my toe tapping and my body swaying to the rhythyms and I can't help but smile inside.

And that brings me to other music that has gotten me through the last months. I think I have to start with Classical Music - mother's milk to me when it comes to music - Beethoven, Tchikovsky, classical guitar. This music is not only a lullaby for me, but feels like a precious gift my parents gave me, the appreciation for classical music. This past weekend I listened to the opera Die Zauberflöte - the Magic Flute. My mother used to listen to the opera every Saturday afternoon from the Met.

My musical interest is broader then just celtic and classical music. I am always listening for the next muscian that will interest me. One I have long wanted to explore is Stephen Sondheim, so I got the sound tracks to both "Into the Woods" and "A Little Night Music". I would listen to these in the hospital. I totally enjoy not only is lyrics but his composition as well.

Lastly there are particular songs by particular artists that have been touch stones for me -
Billy Joel's - your only human
Melissa Etheridge's - I run for Life
Lisa Miskovsky - Lady Stardust
Stephen Sondheim - Your Not Alone from "Into the Woods"

Looking back and looking foward -- part 1

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while - about what got me through my battle with this cancer, what I learned, and now the hope for moving forward. This may take a few posts. In some way it is a summing up - but not entirely since this story is still unfolding.

I really want to start with what got me through this recent journey -
Friends and family - first and formost! I know I have said this to many of you personally - but I couldn't have gotten through this without you. You took me as I was and am, loved me, supported me, gave me shoulders to cry on, peoople to call when things seemed so desperate. You held my hand and listened to me when I was scared. You went to doctors appointments and held my hand when the needles came. I have so much more support and love then I ever dreamed of and I am so happily surprised by everyone of you who have been there for me. I am unimaginably touched that all my brothers and sisters wanted to be with me on my day of surgery - that meant so much to me. It has brought me closer to all of you in some way - and I am so grateful for that. I feel more like a sister then every before! I hope that when any of you need help I will be able to help you out in some way and that you will me know when you need help.

So, I learned from this to reach out - to let people know, as best as I could and was comfortable doing - what was going on and that I needed help. I learned to be a little more transparent and honest with others and even myself.

I have also learned to speak up more, especially about what I want or need without apology. It may not have always worked out that I got all those things met as I wanted, but I spoke up for myself and that is an important lesson for me to carry forward.

Tomorrow I will take up another lesson learned....

Feeling stronger

I think today is the first day where I feel like there is an end in site to having cancer a central part of my life. Today is the stongest I felt in a long time, especially physically. Things that are probably helping this new sense of strength is the warm sunny weather we are having in NYC. I mean, today is the first day I am wearing sandals! To me that is a sure sign of summer on the way. But prehaps for the first time I have some glimmer of returning to activities that make me happy, like going to the beach, and taking pictures and other such adventures without always thinking about cancer - or at least having it lurking not too far back in my mind. That life will move on to a new normal without cancer being that present. There will come a time when I won't have to think about it - I hope. Now, if I can hold on to the grace, gratitude and love and let go the cancer. Right now I know that cancer in a way has brought me to this place of gratitude and grace and for that I am thankful - but can I let go the cancer and hold the grace, love and gratitude - well that is part of the journey......

small triumphs

It is the small things that I can do again that keep me positive - 1. I took a nice bath lastnight - well wee hours of the morning. Lounging in water and getting all wet felt so good - I could have fallen asleep there. 2. I am starting to lay on my tummy. This is the most comfortable way for me to sleep. I haven't gotten to that stage yet - but laying on my tummy and getting oh so comfortable even for a little while feels good.

Epiphanies and pleasures

So, a couple of realization have happened to me - in the middle of the night - of course!

One - I have been talking about this gratitude I feel and I realized that because of my recent past and some of the mistakes I have made that I was somehow unworthy of all this love and caring - well I see now that is hogwash. I realize I am worthy of such love and caring. It isn't an arrogance of thinking I deserve this but prehaps it is a humility that inspite of everything I do in life, the mistakes and wrong directions I may take - that I am still loved and that I am worthy of that love mistakes and all included.

Now to the other epiphany - that of loving my body again. In fight cancer it felt like I was fighting my body and in away myself. That these cells went haywire in my body. Keeping positive and being creative was a way for me to call on the better parts of myself to triumph over this mutation - and as a result of reclaiming those better parts of myself I want to reclaim all the good parts of myself. This includes loving my body and loving the pleasure my body gives me - this earthly form. Really I am talking about reclaiming my sensuality and my sexuality that I seemed to have pushed away in order - at least for me - to deal with this cancer. Maybe push away isn't the correct phrase, since I did try to take care of my body in special ways but wearing favorite clothes and colors, going to spas, and such - but there was this disconnect - maybe between the mind and body - that the mind and soul/spirit had to take over and be the directors, for lack of a better word, of healing from this cancer. It was as if my body had betrayed me and it was hard to put my body first on a certain level - though ultimatly in conquering this - I did have to put my body first - I had to give my body over to a surgeon and then a healing process. While I have always been one to try and listen to my body and what it needed - from time to time in this process - though it was all about my body - there was this disconnect. Now I am just rambling and repeating myself so let me move on to something else....

This is one of my places to put things out in the world - a place to state my intention to you, my friends, but also to write it to the universe....other then trying to find a way to pay my gratitude both around to my friend and forward in a helping way I want to put out there something else that has come out of this experience - my desire to do more with my creativity. Right now that idea is taking the form of starting a business, maybe for my retirement, involving my photography, calendars, cards and making healing jewelry. I know it is eclectic and a while off - but I want to start somewhere. Putting the intention out there in as bold away as I can and then to do research and build a support network so I feel I can do this. I really have little clue, beyond this intention how to go about doing this - but I pray the universe and the goddess will show me the path.....

So enough chatting - maybe I will go get a little more sleep now.....

So much gratitude I feel I could burst

First let me get mundane things out of the way like I did my first excercise walk during work today and I am back at work for the second week and feeling pretty good. The energy seems to be doing okay. Now if I can just case away that nasty nightmare that ruined my sleep last night - then things would really be in the pink.

It seems that spring and gratitude go hand in hand for me right now. I know I keep talking about this but it seems important to me - gratitude and not taking anything for granted. I feel sometimes like a new fresh being who isn't sure how things work or in which direction to go. Each day the day is fresh, it is good to draw breath and feel the sunshine. I spent this weekend with family, which was so important to me. I was so happy to see everyone, especially since, for some of them, it was the first time since the surgery since we have been together. It was hard for me not to turn every hug into a should I could cry on - that is how glad I was to be with everyone. We celebrated my mom's 87th birthday and old family friends joined us for the celebration. It is hard for me not to cry while writing this, touching all the gratitude I feel inside. I feel like I am bursting out like spring - just all over the place. I guess all of this comes from a time not to long ago when I wasn't sure I was loved - when I felt so angry about all the deep hurts and disappointments I had suffered in recent years - my brain and emotions are still having a hard time taking this in and believing it is real.

I don't want to lose the gratitude, so I feel I have to share it somehow. It like my heart has been opened back up and now I don't want it to close again but to try and encourage it to open more. I take one of those deep breathes I am so grateful for and pray that path will become clear and universe will hear me and opportunities and support will come along to help me out. Now, I know saying that sounds very pie-in-the-sky-ish so my practical side knows it needs to do the work to reach and create that support like I did to get through this journey with cancer. But right now I feel like I am at the beginning of something that I only have a glimmer of what it is.

Tears

Tears
Some scorn them
Or don’t understand them
They seem as a sign of weakness
Or that one might not be as strong as they could be
To be suppressed or controlled
Or they are used for manipulation
In that use it is dishonest
Tears to be trusted should be honest tears
We were given tears for physical expression
To express pain and hurt
Even deep happiness and joy
Tears let the heart speak
Tears also help move the emotions as energy
To pour them out of the body
Cleansing the body
Helping the healing process
Tears are strength
Tears are honesty
Tears help gather strength
Tears allow for falling apart
To let go and show vulnerability
The break open the deepest part of you
Tears make room for new things
Tears tire the body so it can rest
Tears can empty the spirit and allow it peace

Drawing out the Silences of Life

Drawing out the silences of my life
Giving voice to things I am too scared to say
Bring them into the light
Giving them words and feeling
That are now just raw glimmers
Ideas on the ether barely having shape or substance
To do this I have to begin with what I have
What my heart really wants to talk about
Then the silence will begin to come forward
So what do I trust my heart with today
What small fear can I name
The fear of not saying want needs to be said
The fear of hurting others
The fear of another person out of respect
Something that lays heavy on my heart
And yet is very hard to speak
But call me to a deeper dedication
To try
To communicate honestly with people
To trust them with my hurts
Even when they have hurt me
Drawing out the silences
Is trying to find truth and forgiveness
Trying to say the hard truths that are so hard to say