Thanksgiving

Good morning everyone - and Happy Thanksgiving. I hope all of you have wonderful day planned for tomorrow.

I find myself this morning feeling very emotional. I might have said panic but there I am not having the symptoms of panic - so just very emotional. I am surprised by this. Some things are getting easier with where I am at with cancer, and some things seem to be getting harder. I know holidays loaded emotionally for lots of people, I am no exception, but this year there seems to be more things going on for me. This year I am more keenly aware, and so deeply grateful, for everyone who helped me through last year, in both small in big way. I am also more aware of life and how precious it is.

Along with these wonderful things is a slowly dawning realization that even though I may have gotten tumor in surgery, that GIST cells are wandering around my body and that I will need to be scanned for the rest of my life. That doesn't sound so bad - no it isn't - other then the fear that goes with each scan - but it does subtly point to the fact that this is never really gone - it will always be in the back of my mind. I guess I am having a hard time with that - and so my emotion. As I have heard from many getting cancer is an innocence lost, and maybe I am still mourning something taken away from me. Part of me still wants to rebel against this death of something - death of some innocence - part of also still wants run and hide and curl up and cry and come out when it is all over. And as I write this, I think of Elizabeth Kubler Ross' stages of death, though I am not sure if I am describing any one of her stages.

I think it is the holidays the brings the more difficult feelings into sharper focus. There have been times recently when life has been really rather normal and in someways I am moving on to what ever is next in life. But then something snaps me back, like a stretch rubber band that is suddenly let go and smacks on the hand. Ouch! it hurts. For me this week is was research old emails and find some that mentioned my surgery - and like a hot sharp knife the fear just ripped though me. And now Thanksgiving - I am finding hard to keep calm when my insides feel like they are in turmoil.

Now I get the feeling that I am complaining or that I should be upset because I am going to have to manage this for the rest of my life in some way. Maybe I can hear someone say "Yeah, so? - what is the big deal?" Okay, so this is the devil's advocates side of my personality....

So to end this on a more positive note. I endeavor, over this holiday, to remind myself to be kind and gentle to myself, to be deeply grateful for all I have and to celebrate that, to focus on my breath so I don't hold it in, and enjoy my family and soak in the love they give me.