anniversaries

Hello dear friends - it has been a long time since I wrote here.

It is that time of year for my yearly check up, and I am already freaking out. Last year I had the cruise to keep my balance. This year I am trying to organize a local small celebration, but right now it isn't helping hold the balance.

In January I started thinking about the CT scan but put it off, pushed it out of my mind by saying to myself "it isn't February yet". Well, February is here as of tomorrow and I have started the ball rolling. I go to see my oncologist on Thursday, 2/2, Ground Hogs Day and Imbolc. From there the doctors office will help me schedule the CT scan.

WHAM! it caught me Monday - I started to panic and go to that unloved place. I got somewhat calmed down and knew that if I went to sleep in an upset scared place, that I would wake up there, so I did to tender self loving and hugged Rufus and Petunia, my stuffed love dragons, and fell asleep.

Today I am doing more of the self love - but I am also still in a bit of a funk. As hard as I try not to the thoughts of the doctor's appointment and CT scan chatter in my brain. Distraction is good - I am reading the "Three Musketeers" on my smart phone, I listen to soothing music, work, I have my hearts project waiting for me at home. That is all good, but sometimes those scary tears come up, just for a little bit. All of this feels a little tiring, and I am trying to take gentle good care of myself so I can come through okay.