anniversaries

Hello dear friends - it has been a long time since I wrote here.

It is that time of year for my yearly check up, and I am already freaking out. Last year I had the cruise to keep my balance. This year I am trying to organize a local small celebration, but right now it isn't helping hold the balance.

In January I started thinking about the CT scan but put it off, pushed it out of my mind by saying to myself "it isn't February yet". Well, February is here as of tomorrow and I have started the ball rolling. I go to see my oncologist on Thursday, 2/2, Ground Hogs Day and Imbolc. From there the doctors office will help me schedule the CT scan.

WHAM! it caught me Monday - I started to panic and go to that unloved place. I got somewhat calmed down and knew that if I went to sleep in an upset scared place, that I would wake up there, so I did to tender self loving and hugged Rufus and Petunia, my stuffed love dragons, and fell asleep.

Today I am doing more of the self love - but I am also still in a bit of a funk. As hard as I try not to the thoughts of the doctor's appointment and CT scan chatter in my brain. Distraction is good - I am reading the "Three Musketeers" on my smart phone, I listen to soothing music, work, I have my hearts project waiting for me at home. That is all good, but sometimes those scary tears come up, just for a little bit. All of this feels a little tiring, and I am trying to take gentle good care of myself so I can come through okay.

A poem - Elegy in Joy

Elegy in Joy [excerpt]
by Muriel Rukeyser

We tell beginnings: for the flesh and the answer,
or the look, the lake in the eye that knows,
for the despair that flows down in widest rivers,
cloud of home; and also the green tree of grace,
all in the leaf, in the love that gives us ourselves.

The word of nourishment passes through the women,
soldiers and orchards rooted in constellations,
white towers, eyes of children:
saying in time of war What shall we feed?
I cannot say the end.

Nourish beginnings, let us nourish beginnings.
Not all things are blest, but the
seeds of all things are blest.
The blessing is in the seed.

This moment, this seed, this wave of the sea, this look, this instant of love.
Years over wars and an imagining of peace. Or the expiation journey
toward peace which is many wishes flaming together,
fierce pure life, the many-living home.
Love that gives us ourselves, in the world known to all
new techniques for the healing of the wound,
and the unknown world. One life, or the faring stars.

Quiet Acclamation

It is a quiet acclamation
That more lights the soul
Then is shouted to the wind

Wait
I must go back
To when I couldn’t even say it
I couldn’t even say
Cancer
Like a dry moth stuck fluttering for freedom
Choking my voice
My body didn’t want to know this word
Its terror cut me in pieces
Like shards of shattered fragile glass
Scattered in the darkness
Where I had little to cling to
A little hope and a little faith
But as milestones passed
And with many acts of Love
Slowly the slivers and shards have come back together
Each hurdle crossed
A triumph of its own
Triumphs that grow and gather
To where I shouted
To battle the fear
I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR
To make sound the space
Where the light of hope and love
Would glow and grow again
A verbal defiance against death
Now to see how far I have come
Come out of the darkness
Into Love’s warm light
Where I can whisper
With pride
Knowing the universe hears me
I am a Cancer Survivor

Walk in the Beauty Way

The morning bustle is beginning
Trucks shuffle and clang with their deliveries
Taxis picking up fares
Such muffled sounds come through my window
Along with the Spring sunlight
And sweet air filled with bird song
Here I fall in love
Opening all of me to
Just being
In love
And in that I all of a sudden what to be with you
To whisper in your ear
Before the day gets away from us
Ssh, ssh, shh
Things will be okay
As I discover the “I can”
I know in my heart you can too
So you then walk into the day
On the Spring sunlight
I think this is what some mean
When they say
Walk in the Beauty Way

From the Daily OM - Hearing the Whisper

April 8, 2011
Underneath the Noise
Hearing the Whisper

Sometimes it is the softness of a whisper that is needed the most.


You may have noticed that if you want to speak to someone in a noisy, crowded room, the best thing to do is lean close and whisper. Yelling in an attempt to be louder than the room’s noise generally only hurts your throat and adds to the chaos. Similarly, that still, small voice within each of us does not try to compete with the mental chatter on the surface of our minds, nor does it attempt to overpower the volume of the raucous world outside. If we want to hear it, no matter what is going on around us or even inside us, we can always tune in to that soft voice underneath the surrounding noise.

It is generally true that the more insistent voices in our heads delivering messages that make us feel panicky or afraid are of questionable authority. They may be voices we internalized from childhood or from the culture, and as such they possess only half-truths. Their urgency stems from their disconnectedness from the center of our being, and their urgency is what catches our attention. The other voice that whispers reassurances that everything is fundamentally okay simply delivers its message with quiet confidence. Once we hear it, we know it speaks the truth. Generally, once we have heard what it has to say, a powerful sense of calm settles over our entire being, and the other voices and sounds, once so dominant, fade into the background, suddenly seeming small and far away.

We may find that our own communications in the world begin to be influenced by the quiet certainty of this voice. We may be less inclined to indulge in idle chatter as we become more interested in maintaining our connection to the whisper of truth that broadcasts its message like the sound of the wind shaking the leaves of a tree. As we align ourselves more with this quiet confidence, we become an extension of the whisper, penetrating the noise of the world and creating more peace, trust, and confidence.

Cruise celebration of being NED

I know most of you have seen these, but I wanted to put them on my blog as a celebration!

FINALLY!


After taking a week to get my land legs back and another week dealing with a nasty head cold - and gathering pictures from my fellow traveler, Diane, I can now share pictures of our cruise.

Diane and I left our respective cities early Saturday morning and landed in warm and sunny Miami. After a quick ride to the ship terminal, with a stop off at CVS so we could pick up bottles of bubbly, one for each of us, we board the ship and found our cabin.

We then went up on deck to start soaking in the warm Miami weather and get our first drinks - with those little umbrellas of course and we waiting to put to sea

Sunday was a day at sea. We spent the morning sunbathing with lots of SPF on, reading and watching people. In the afternoon we went to an art auction where Diane bought some lovely pieces and both of us bid on and won a spa treatment. That evening we got dressed up for dinner and then did some dancing. We did have some rough seas in the evening. Diane put on her acupressure bands. The boat rocking didn’t bother me other then it being a little bit of a challenge walking straight – but then for a New Yorker that is nothing new.

The next morning we arrived in Ocho Rios, Jamaica

First we went to the Enchanted Gardens and Falls

Then we visited an aviary with lots of lovely parrots including a gorgeous Macaw

Then we went off to Dunns River Falls. We climbed the Falls and got soaked.

After the Falls we did a little shopping. I got a Tortuga Rum Cake that was absolutely delicious – I wish I got a few more. We also sampled some rum. Then is was back to the ship for lunch and a nap before getting ready for dinner.

The next day we were in Grand Cayman. We did snorkeling and a little shopping. I got myself a pair of Swaworski pink heart earrings that I will remember the trip.
After floating in the water and taking all kinds of pictures we headed back to the ship for lunch and more relaxation.

The next day was a day at sea, for us it was a day at the spa. We had massages and the facial treatments. I took some time to sit in the sauna and watched the sea go by. We had a wonderful meal and these are the girls who served us and made us feel so welcomed. They all thought that Diane and I were sisters!

Here we are disembarking, back in Miami. By evening we were back in the cold North of New York City and Boston. Both of us had a wonderful time.

A poem - Precious quiet

It comes by surprise
After the radio shuts off automatically
Usually when I am in the shower
And I emerge into a quiet home
Quiet filled with cloud filtered morning light
Gives loving space to the day
A meditation before the business sets in
To hear the birds outside my window
Snuggle with my cat
Her soft coat and rumbling purr
Sometimes to just sit in the quiet
And quiet me
Turning me to happy thoughts for the day
Or to let my soul open
To secrets beyond the quiet
That centers me
In the is precious quiet