Back to the beginning

Dear Friends,
I am trying, in baby steps, to talk more about cancer in all kinds of ways. Of course poetry is only one of my options, but it seemed to me an appropriate baby step and to start at the beginning. So this is a poem about how it all started.
Be well,
Carolyn


To deal with the scaries
Overwhelming emotion
Maybe I should begin at the beginning
October 16 2009
The urologist said
“See this gastroenterologist and give him this envelop”
I thought nothing of it
Then this doctor
Said these words
“Gastro-intestinal Stromal Tumor”
TUMOR
GIST
Well is it cancer or isn’t it?
Not only am I kicked in the stomach
All of me feels like I was blown against a brick wall
This no good Doctor
Who I paid my $30 co-pay for what
He gave no help at all
Just referred me to out of network doctors
And didn’t return my phone calls
Asshole.
T hank Goddess for Beth
Where are you – weren’t we suppose to meet for lunch?
I gasp in between the shock and tears
trying to breathe
I pasted up and down 34th Street
Between Park and Fifth
She called back
I forgot.
Well, I need to see you today, please.
I can come to the Upper West Side.
Where to meet.
Ollies?
Great
67th and Broadway
I wanted to run
But I didn’t know where
I was frantic
Mind spinning
Fighting not to break down in sob
On the streets and subway of NYC
I couldn’t think
Just put one foot in front of the other to get me to Ollies
There we met
Thank the Goddess for Beth
Who held me as I cried
I wanted to fall down right there and just weep long and hard
What the hell just happened to me?
It felt like I stumbled into Ollies
I couldn’t feel my feet on the ground
I was in a million pieces
We sat and had lunch
I
General Tso’s chicken
Her
Dim Sum
And again I cried and cried and cried
In between sips of wine and sweet breaded fried chicken
I was ripped from my ordinary life
Into I didn’t know what
I am still not sure what – entirely – other than cancer
And I am still crying, crying
I am slowly finding my way
Back to old things that are new again
But that can never be the same