mid of night ephiphany

Ladies,

I know I haven't written in a long time, but tonight I feel I must especially since it is with a sense of excited and joyful "ah-ha".

Many strange and wonderful things have been happening to me, especially after attending and amazing witchy women's retreat in PA a couple of weeks ago. Even though I have done a lot of talking about my experience here, it is still very hard for me to talk about cancer in general - it is still very emotional for me.

Well, at this retreat I was able to do a lot - especially just be and particularly to cry - a lot. Though I have had the surgery to remove the tumor, in my mind I am still not out of the woods, not until I get past that first follow up CT scan and visit to my surgeon AND have good news from that will I feel like I can really relax and feel more like a survivor rather than a cancer patient. All of this leaves me in a strange place for right now. Feeling 95% better but having this hurdle out there in August or September to get through.

Also, while going through treatment is an emotional thing full of lots of issues that I talked about here, but getting through it is your main objective - just lets get on with the treatment that will do battle and kill these cells that have gone haywire in me. It is coming out the otherside of sugery and healing that I now see has a different set of highly emotional issues that need to be addressed, issues like that waiting for that first post op hurdle, being a survivor but not completely so, the cautioned hope coming through it okay, and that question I have really struggled with, how do I follow up on that post op euphoria of being alive and whating things in my life to change because of this experience.

So at this retreat I was able, maybe for the first time, to really feel comfortable sharing my story, and with complete strangers. I want to honor the women who opened the door for me by talking about her own battle with breast cancer many years ago and how she was thankful to have today when she very nearly didn't make it. We where all chopping up squash and talking about cancer and care and it was so special and amazingly liberating for me.

Now moving on. Also at this retreat, one of my goals was to really connect with other women so I could build support for my next phase of life. While I did meet fellow NYCers that I am working to build relationships with, I also came away with information about some organization that helped women with cancer cope. And that go me looking for other organizations like Gilda's Club and the American Cancer Society. Particularly the American Cancer Society is a great resource for people with cancer.

All of this back ground is getting around to my "ah-ha" moment with one last piece before I get to that "ah-ha". That is breaking old patterns. Through this retreat and with help from a coaching friend of mine I have been looking at patterns in my life that no longer work for me and hold me back. In the last couple of weeks I have challenged myself to break an old pattern of keeping quiet when someone upset me. Well, I don't know about you, but when I work on changing one pattern other patterns that need changing become apparent. This other pattern was the negative self talk that goes on in my head - usually the voice of self doubt, critical, whining, victim. So, breaking two old patterns of silence and being the victim.

Writing this blog is helping me break the silence. But I have been breaking my silence and speaking up when someone or a situation hurts me. Part of that self doubt, door mat mind speak tells me that if I speak up I will lose my friends. Well, I haven't lost you yet and if anything our friendship is stronger for my speaking up. My speaking up while being treated for cancer has taught to keep speaking up - it is one of the things cancer has taught me. So I have struggled this week with that "people aren't going to like me" mind talk in a number of situation and in each case the opposite has been true. If anything I have found more love and understanding then what I thought I had.

But that isn't the only critical mind talk I have been struggling with. The other is closely related to fear, which I have had to face again and again in the past several months, and this time it is fear of myself - fear of owning myself, claiming my own power and love, both of myself and from those around me. I am realizing there is a big difference between self reliance and self love. Self love is so much bigger since I want to share it with others - where as self reliance is really very limiting to letting the self love in. Anyway, back to mind talk - I was putting myself down for perceived failures when they weren't that at all. So, now here it comes, my "ah-ha" moment was........claiming my successes. YES, I did that strategic planning session - and well and got it moving forward again. YES, I am seeking out help in talking about my cancer and the powerful changes it has brought in Gilda's Club. YES, I am working on finding support for what ever comes next, especially in witchy spiritual nurturing which I now know I need and have been without for a very long time. YES, I am working on figuring out how to give back while also making sure I take care of myself.

Now that as I write to you it all seems to terribly simple turning doubts in YES I CAN, but I know most of you know well how not so simple that is. It isn't just a simple YES I CAN, but something felt in every cell of my body, and at least for tonight feels like a major liberation. I just have to keep liberating myself from that victim mind talk.

I have to say that part of that liberation comes from having great friends like you who have listened to me over all these months. Each of you have loved and helped me through and to this place and I hope I give that love and caring back to you and others - that is what I am striving to do. I have come here to be honest with myself and with you. And now I can see some of this work paying off. I know I have said this so many times to all of you - and I will keep saying it because to truly mean it - that I couldn't have done this without your love and support and I can never say enough thank yous for that - so I will keep saying them until I for a very long time.

And so now - good night