This is a blessing

I know this may sound strange, but all these medical things happening are blessings. Having the CT scan for kidney stones that revealed the tumor is a blessings. I won't have known I had this without the scan. It would have taken a long time, maybe a couple of years for symptoms of the tumor to manifest and by that time things might have been far worse.

Though this journey is filled with a lot of unknowns right now - especially waiting to hear what the surgeon will say - and those unknowns are what scare me right now - I can also see the benefits of this situation.

The chief benefit is one of being aware to the choices I am making, not just medical, but personal and spiritual ones as well.

Here are some of the choices I have made:
I have chosen to love myself more - and this has freed me from much of the anger I felt for while - trying to come to terms with grief and things/mistakes I made in the past

I have chosen to reach out to friends and family. This allows me to admit I need help but it also lets me know I am loved. There was a time earlier this year where I doubt if I was loved and in my anger that I doubted loving myself. In choosing to reach out I am getting the support I need and I am also not afraid of asking for help from friends and family. This is perhaps the most gradifying and humbling experience of this entire process. I found that I have a willingness to not only ask for help but also to receive help when it is offered.

I have also chosen to take this a day at a time and to plan only as far ahead as I can handle without getting overwhelmed. This is a practice in focus and patience.

It is also a journey of being honest with myself. To allow myself to cry when I need to - whether it is in deep gratitude or in fear. In loving myself I am positive for myself. I try to live each day as 'normally' as possible right now and allow myself the time and permission to take care of myself. I choose to keep my regular activities going as best I can without getting overwhelmed. I try to see each day as a good day - or try to find some good in it - something that I am happy and grateful for. I know deep in my soul I will get through this and come out healthier then I am now. I will continue to dream and work towards getting to 200 pounds and going to Paris.

So - today is the beginning of a good day.