Further thoughts

Well, I got through today in a good way. I am beginning to be aware of the thoughts patterns that accompany the freaking out - and being able to see/listen to them, address them, then to stop thinking those things and change, slowly, the thought pattern.

Now I know these thought patterns are silly, but after all, they are my thoughts patterns - so bare with me.....
First my brain starts thinking about all the pain and discomfort of my past expereinces from kidney stone.......
Another thread thinks - oh here we go again - this is how it started last time......
I would be lying to if the above thought didn't have the added "and then came the cancer"
Another thread - heavens I am going to have to lithotripsy again

okay so after these are running around in my head on that endless carousel of thoughts I first make myself stop by focusing myself to focus on my breathing. I say to myself - breathe in - breathe out and I do it until I calm down. Also taking a walk works - this morning they kicked us off the G train one stop shy of where I get off and instead of waiting for what were to be very crowded buses, I walked the rest of the way to work.

Then - I ask myself - are any of those thoughts represent what is going on at this very moment? NO! I am not in pain - and I can't control this - so focus on what I can control - an maybe that is a little bit where faith comes in for me. In letting go of what I can't control and not worrying about. All I can do are to take actions that will begin to get answers - like making the appointment with the urologist - which I did today. I learned somewhere in my journey to focus on all the bad things that COULD go wrong instead of looking squarely at the present to see if the present looked like the future - which it almost never does.
All of this also gets me around to thinking about faith - as I have heard famously quotedd - believing in something when logic tells you not to.
Heavens it feels like I have opened a can of worms.
I don't think that phrase captures faith for me. Faith is letting go control when I can control it - it is giving the Universe permission to help me out with those things I can't influence by my actions - faith is giving space to let go - to quiet the mind and shut off the brain - For me it is letting the unseen - unknown currents that swirl around me to move as they will - in a sense I can't stop it - rather I would flow with those currents and let me actions nudge me forward and to let go of trying to control.....

Well, that is at least part of an answer. Thanks for listening.......