Dealing with Death

As the great requiem's tell "Death, where is thy sting?"

First the disclaimer:
Now, please don't be shocked by this topic coming up - I think it is perfectly normal in the context of cancer and surgery that the topic of death should pop up. There is a chance, though very slim, that I will die from this surgery or even from this cancer. And as I have promised to myself - this blog is a place where I can be honest with myself. I don't think I am being with polyannish or overly morose in addressing the issue for me.

Now, my little intuition that whispers to me said "You will die before the others." Well, heck that is a pretty open ended message. But when I hear it, it freaks me out. Now, I give my intuition a very healthy dose of skepticism. I am stubborn enough to not always listen to my intuition. But this gets me a little off track. This whisper is pretty vague, I just panic because of the situation I am in. Notice it doesn't say when I will die or before the others refers to - though I take it to mean the rest of my family. So now that I have parsed this phrase let me deal with death itself.

In talking myself out of the panic I realize I shouldn't think about death, push it away and not deal with it, but rather put it in context and address it honestly. First, I am going to die at some point, we all are. And if I were to die tomorrow or Thursday February 25 or in the year 2050, I have lead a good life. I have done the best I can with the life I have been given. Sure I know I can do more and want to do more and will do more. And so there is nothing be afraid of in dying. It will be another journey I take and maybe another way to share my love.

Regardless of when I take that journey I want to share the love I now I have - I know I have more to give. I want to continue to grow in my life and my love, there is still a life for me to live and love for me to give. I want to take the lessons I have learned lately and apply them to my life and see what happens. I want to see where my humanity goes and to help those who come into the circle of my life. I want to be creative. I want to love. I want to laugh and cry and dance and write poems and take long walks. And this is the hope and light I hold onto even when Death talks to me.