Being a victim of cancer - acknowledging my own failures

This post to a blog a subscribe to got my brain going - If you have anything you would like to add to this - or want to comment to me - please, I encourage you to do so - to share what you saw from your perspective.

Maybe I never said "why me" and yes I was too scared and too determined to keep living to worry about "why me?" But I did give Cancer power, the power to scare me - so I made myself a victim of cancer. I have always thought it just happened and I got through it the best I could. I did play the victim in anger when I would say "You don't get it, you haven't had cancer" or "You don't get it, you have no idea how scary all of this is." I also played the victim of not letting go and trusting more that things would be okay. I would read all of the cute sayings about cancer - and what it is not - but in my heart of hearts it was hard for me to really believe it. I felt powerless and fear. I felt like I was all thumbs and someone just asked me to play Beethoven's violin concerto. Giving my fear power and the cancer power lead me to feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

Did I wear my fear on my sleeve - yes, I admit it. Did I walk this journey with any dignity or grace - I tried, but I fell woefully short. Maybe through much of it was just a walk person in shock but from the shock, the fear took over.

Now, it is hard not to be a victim of cancer, cancer is a very scary thing and will all that treatment entails - the medical industry can leave one feeling helpless on top of being diagnosed with cancer. I tried to fight against the fear and feeling overwhelmed - I did the best I could.

Maybe it is understandable the power of fear and shock and cancer. Through most of last year it felt like being in time warp - just making it from one day to the next - The faith and love I did have for myself was taking it a step at a time. Honestly I wasn't even sure what it meant to "get through it" because, in the beginning, I wasn't sure I was. I felt to helpless and a drift from ordinary life. My creativity kept me going - relearning how to make me happy in small steps - and keeping friends around me - that is how I coped. I loved myself by always facing down my fear, summoning the courage and slowly a step at a time moving ahead. This is how I hung on to life, and maybe just wanting to live was all the loving I could for myself then. It may not have been gracious or pretty, but I think it was tenacious. I can only think it was a little like a terrier holding on for dear life to her favorite bone, my bone being life.

One of the fears that had power was my struggle with the feeling I was, on a certain level, dealing with all of this on my own. The level I mean is a very practical one - of making sure everything was taken care of, all my appointments and other things in life - as being single I didn't have anyone to pick up the pieces, or to hug me at night or make the coffee or dinner when I unable to do it and I didn't know how to ask for such help, and maybe I was unwilling to just let things go, but rather I tried to keep life as 'normal' as possible. Maybe I was like a horse pulling this cart of life and cancer, and I had blinders on. I couldn't see beyond what was immediately in front of me and I knew I had this burden I was carrying around. I couldn't always see or feel your support and love. I was numb with fear. Yes, I complained about this. Yes, I was overwhelmed by it all. Maybe I should have just let it go - or not worried about it in the face of what was going on - but what happened, happened and I move on. Again, I try to forgive myself for my shortcomings and remind myself I did the best I could. And maybe in this a played a little of the victim of not letting go. This was the one place I felt powerless. This too, is where I felt like I suffered in silence, and maybe writing things here helped break that silence. I tried to reach out - but the fear held me back - My fear contributed to letting myself feel powerless and the cancer powerful.

From this post did I let her get away with what she did - yes - and there I was the victim too - I didn't speak up then to address what was wrong at the time it happened. When I tried to, in anger, and things disintegrated further. So, I acknowledge my failure, for both being unable to speak up at the time and for my misplaced anger later on, and as such seek forgiveness, for myself and to anyone I hurt for what I was unable to do at the time. This goes to all of you who have followed these posts - If I hurt you - from my own anger and fear and lack of confidence - I am so sorry and ask your forgiveness.

I know I have expressed my appreciation for all the everyone did for me - and only now can I see and feel the collective love around me - I catch glimpses of it. It is like a fish eye lens that comes across my vision and I can see all of you cheering me on, and then it slips away. The blinders are starting to come of and I am finding the full range of my experience.

Finally - To the broader issue about this blog - loving myself. I am certainly learning to love myself more now. And I am learning to do so more and more. I think there is also a lot of grey area between being an all out victim and being wholly empowered. In many ways I did feel empowered because I was asking for help, in both general and specific ways. I also felt empowered by my creativity and a focus for my energy of hope, creating things made me happy. I also felt empowered by my tenaciousness - to keep take the steps, no matter how scary they were to me. But I also was a victim to myself for not asking for more, not necessarily of from all of you, but to be more bold and confident in asking for what I needed from the universe and trusting that help would come my way, for not pointing out when there was a problem, when I was angry and struggling with all that cancer was/is to me and not letting go.

So now that I have made my mia culpa - I will state boldly that I am loving myself more and gently forgiving myself my shortcomings - and feeling healthier and more trusting of life.

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posted by Daylle Deanna Schwartz @12:01pm

Self-love and allowing yourself to be ta victim don't work together. Victims rarely love themselves. It's not loving to let others manipulate you. I hear folks moan, "Why do people use me?" And groan, "Why me?" And whine, "I'll never get what I want because_____." Fill in that blank with, "because I allow myself to be a victim." It's your choice to be one. People don't make you a victim. You volunteer.

Victims blame others for making them feel powerless. But no one can take your power if you're not giving it away!

Do you blame others for being unhappy? Do you complain that you hate being a victim? Playing a victim is your choice. Nobody can force you to give up the power to make your own choices. When I take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong. When I was a DoorMat, I considered myself a victim. After all, everyone needed something from me.

• Why couldn't they be nice to me in return?
• Why did they take advantage of my nice nature?
• Why was I always taken for granted and not appreciated for doing SO MUCH for everyone?

Simple answer: I let them do it. I allowed them to walk all over me by not saying no or expressing how I felt about how I was treated. Self-pity replaced my power and I had plenty of that. "Poor me, always the victim of everyone's selfishness and inconsiderate behavior!" I was also angry and frustrated a lot, though I put on a smile for those who I blamed. So I suffered in silence. My deep insecurity and lack of self-worth made me feel that I deserved to be unhappy since I wasn't perfect.

Listen carefully. It's YOUR choice to accept behavior you don't like, or to change your response to it. The more you love yourself, the less likely that you'd allow yourself to be a victim.

If you're taught that confronting its source isn't nice, you suffer. This is poison! You get no points for suffering. None! Nada! You deserve happiness! Asking "why me?" when life isn't good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.

Do you accept suffering as punishment for not "being good enough?"

That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I suffered as a lifestyle. Now it's banned! It's your choice to adopt a victim mentality or handle situations in ways that give control back to you. Don't give others power over you.

• "He makes me feel unattractive." It's your choice to feel unattractive! You have the power to ignore criticism.

• "My girlfriend spends all my money and I'm always broke because of it." It's your choice to give her access to your money and to be with someone who takes advantage like that!

• "I always have to pick up the slack for my co-workers while they do their personal business instead." It's your choice to agree to do their work and not speak up about it!

• "My mother always tells me what to do." If you're an adult, it's your choice to listen or do what you want!

Your response determines whether you're a victim or a powerful person. I know it's hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect. Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won't allow it. And nobody is a victim unless they choose to be. Once I stood up to people, I saw how much power I had. Victims feel helpless, which brings self-esteem down and down and down. But you're not helpless.

You always have spiritual support in lifting yourself up from living as a victim to setting boundaries and being happier.

It's all in your court. Think about what makes you feel like a victim and how you can change the dynamic. The more you nurture self-love, the less you'll allow people to treat you poorly. When you love yourself, you won't want to allow yourself to be a victim. Being a Nice Person on Top Is certainly much better!

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2011/01/do-you-choose-to-be-a-victim.html#ixzz1B29yah1F