Taking care of my body

As I get back to my old strength and energy I am finding that I feel a little skittish about my body - that I don't quite trust it or myself. When a friend recently asked me if it felt like my body betrayed me - I said no - betrayal to me is such a violent word - like now all deals are off. Just to be clear I consult a dictionary and look up betray and such phrases as break faith or fail to meet hopes, deceive, lead astray, seduce or desert or deceive.

Maybe I am being simplistic or too literal but how can my body betray me? My body and are are one - not seperate things. It is my body and the only one I have - I can't go about deserting it in favor of a new model so this is what I have. I feel like right now I am stand by it and trying to do good by it and it is standing by me pretty well right now. These certain cells got their DNA scrambled and went hey wire - a mutation. That mutation has been taken out and I am now moving on. Maybe this is a little of my mind body disconnect or just being matter of fact but things in the body go wrong, things don't always work the way we want.

But I get off point because I even if I don't feel some deep emotion about my cancer at least as far as my body is concerned (my emotions are another matter) I am still feeling skittish or tentative about my body, about pleasure and enjoying life. I don't want to do my yearly check up or my mammogram. I don't want to deal with doctors for a little while or deal with needles or having blood taken or tests administered. It really feels like I just want things to be for a little while. I really want to enjoy my body as it functions right now - so I am going to put down all those other shoulds for a little while and just focus on finding ways of enjoying life and laughing and really loving my body.

I realized this morning that I need to start laughing more as a way of bring more happiness into my life and even more pleasure. And I also need to be more concious about loving my body - lavishing not just care but pampering it. So over the next few months I think I will take lovely baths, laugh at nothing, just to laugh - deep long and hard and go to my korean spa for TLC.