Epiphanies and pleasures

So, a couple of realization have happened to me - in the middle of the night - of course!

One - I have been talking about this gratitude I feel and I realized that because of my recent past and some of the mistakes I have made that I was somehow unworthy of all this love and caring - well I see now that is hogwash. I realize I am worthy of such love and caring. It isn't an arrogance of thinking I deserve this but prehaps it is a humility that inspite of everything I do in life, the mistakes and wrong directions I may take - that I am still loved and that I am worthy of that love mistakes and all included.

Now to the other epiphany - that of loving my body again. In fight cancer it felt like I was fighting my body and in away myself. That these cells went haywire in my body. Keeping positive and being creative was a way for me to call on the better parts of myself to triumph over this mutation - and as a result of reclaiming those better parts of myself I want to reclaim all the good parts of myself. This includes loving my body and loving the pleasure my body gives me - this earthly form. Really I am talking about reclaiming my sensuality and my sexuality that I seemed to have pushed away in order - at least for me - to deal with this cancer. Maybe push away isn't the correct phrase, since I did try to take care of my body in special ways but wearing favorite clothes and colors, going to spas, and such - but there was this disconnect - maybe between the mind and body - that the mind and soul/spirit had to take over and be the directors, for lack of a better word, of healing from this cancer. It was as if my body had betrayed me and it was hard to put my body first on a certain level - though ultimatly in conquering this - I did have to put my body first - I had to give my body over to a surgeon and then a healing process. While I have always been one to try and listen to my body and what it needed - from time to time in this process - though it was all about my body - there was this disconnect. Now I am just rambling and repeating myself so let me move on to something else....

This is one of my places to put things out in the world - a place to state my intention to you, my friends, but also to write it to the universe....other then trying to find a way to pay my gratitude both around to my friend and forward in a helping way I want to put out there something else that has come out of this experience - my desire to do more with my creativity. Right now that idea is taking the form of starting a business, maybe for my retirement, involving my photography, calendars, cards and making healing jewelry. I know it is eclectic and a while off - but I want to start somewhere. Putting the intention out there in as bold away as I can and then to do research and build a support network so I feel I can do this. I really have little clue, beyond this intention how to go about doing this - but I pray the universe and the goddess will show me the path.....

So enough chatting - maybe I will go get a little more sleep now.....