I have kinds of shut down over the last few days. I was hiding away not talking here - keeping it honest like I promised myself I would. I tried to put on the brave front and I don't feel brave at all. Yes, I confess to some I was putting on the cheery disposition when I really felt scared as shit. And that brave front was keeping me from reaching out to my friends.
I am still scared and today it seemed to sink in - especially since there is now a date(still tenative) for the surgery.
I really feel like I have to almost drop everything else right now and just focus on work and getting ready for this surgery. I sense that I really don't have the mental energy or emotional energy to spend on things right now. The things I will spend energy on is time that will being me in contact with my friends, but beyond that my brain is having a hard time thinking about anything else right now.
Most important over the next 5-6 weeks to be honest with myself and to give myself permission to feel what ever I feel - no apologies and no trying to fit what others need. I need to focus on me, my healing, my health, my sanity getting through this.
Part of my really wishes I could crawl under a rock or hide under the covers and then come out when it is time for the surgery.
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