being honest about being scared

Yes - tonight I am scared and alone.

I have permission from other cancer survivors to be scared - and this actually helps me be less scared. Even though tomorrow doctors appointment is with the urologist - I am still scared - scared they will find something else wrong - or just plain scared.

Now being alone. Let's face facts - I am here only with my cat - so I am alone - no one else is physically with me.

So I it is up to me to face this alone. I wish someone else would understand this - maybe someone else who lives alone and who must face such fears. I want someone else to get it - not just say they understand me, but understand my experience - of being scared and alone and facing this big challenge alone. Here is another definition of alone - one who has to make all the choices and decisions by oneself - alone. I know you all care, deeply, but you aren't here, right now, sitting with me, to simply give me company nor are you able to make those choices and desicions for me.

Heck - this little rant is even part of my fear, part of my trying to make sense and feeling like I am failing abismally - even of the little things - this I know if the fear talking. And is there a note of a little anger - sure - because I feel like what I am experiencing is not really being understood.

Now, most of you will say to me you aren't going through this alone. And I agree because you have been there to help out in some really tough moments, but right now I am splitting hairs and I am calling on symantics and differing perspectives and asking you to try to see my view or walk in my moccasins for 1 day - because I want to make a point. The point being, while I do have all your loving support and you have helped me get through this by being there for me to listen to me cry on the phone and held my hand went I freaked out a needles and been to almost every doctor's appointment - there is a point where you can't be with me - you can't all come home with me, you can't come to work with me or be with me at night or make the desicions.

Maybe we should change the phrase from "you aren't going through this alone" to "we will be there to guide and support you" or "we will be there to help you with what every you needed" or "I am only a phone call away" or "let me tell you my story so you can gain information that might be helpful to you". I guess another thing I am getting at is in using language lets stop being lazy by using such pat phrases - let's think about what we are saying and then say what we mean.