Ephiphanies and falling apart

Since the holidays have ended now I have to get on with getting through the rest of winter I have been getting up very early - before the sun - and walk/jogging - not only to take off those few extra pounds I put on during holidays - but to also help with all this extra nervous anxious energy I have.

During this morning work out I had one ephiphany - at least that I can remember - and it runs along the lines of trying to be present to the now - but with a twist in observation - it is this - all my life I have tried to anticipate what might happen. I have always tried to prepare myself of every possibility - and I realized this morning how silly that thinking is - I can't prepare myself or make myself ready in any way for what might happen in the future. And the fact that I try to prepare just feeds into my anxiety about things. I found myself during my run saying to myself - "Stop it - stop trying to prepare yourself - stop trying to project into the future to protect yourself from upset/pain/what ever" Now this is a habit I have had for years and am now trying to break - but it is hard - realizing the pattern is a good first step - and will help me pull back to living and being in the now.

Then later today I fell apart. When I say this I mean I couldn't emotionally hold things together anymore and my gut felt like it was on the floor. Maybe it was sister-in-law telling me of someone we both knew died of cancer - maybe it was the silly but upsetting situation of trying to get an important drug script filled and the doctor make a mistake so I had to back track to get an new scrip. An understandable mistake - but it just upset me since i have had problems getting this script refilled recently because of people various mistakes. So I come home from work and take my happy pill and take a nap. First coming back to my apartment is for me coming back to my sanctuary, my safe place where I can let all the barriers down. Then to naps. Naps have the wonderful power and charm of resetting things - especially curdling up with teddy bears and purring cats - in our bodies, in our minds - giving me a break - a chance to recollect myself.

So now in the evening I am not feeling quiet to bad - at least my guts aren't out on the floor and only little bouts of tears. I am confident good night's sleep will set me right. And I will keep trying to keep living in the now, in the moment, and try not to project into the future to try to prepare myself for the unknown. "Keep breathing - think PINK - I am alive - my goddesses are with me and my friends are there too - so keep going a step at a time....."