Being angry

Sorry!?
Am I not allowed to be angry
At anything
But especially cancer
Am I supposed to bare up
With some kind of dignity
Or quiet fortitude
Or outward show of hope and stength
The indignity of this invasion?
To not speak of the emotional tempest cancer wraught?
Of the terror of hearing the word Cancer?
The heart rending possibilities of facing
The poison of radiation and chemotheraphy
Of the mind melt down
When you move from being a well person
Into the no-mans-land of illness
The fear that your wishes won't be carried out
Or that you will either be on information overload
Or miss some key piece of information that could be the difference
Between living and dying
Of my life completely falling apart
And having no idea if I can put it back together again
To feel as if I am branded with a scarlet C
That I can't talk about this because others won't understand
The terror of cancer
To have no clue as to what to do
Or not to do
I am to have a stiff upper lip
Not complain
Not tell you where it hurts and why
Not to ask for caring
Lots of hand holding, hugs
I am not to cry
not to reach out to others
or to pour my heart out
Or to just accept this
To become a tower of strength
When inside I am falling apart
For what?
To simply keep functioning
Show some normalcy when nothing is really normal
And why should that stop
Because I am better?
Because I am healed from the surgery?
But I am healed from the cancer?
Well,
Yes I am angry
For this scars it has left
Not just on my body
But on my feelings
On my soul and spirit
That these words
Like the Balm of Gilead
By getting them out
Down on paper
Sooths the tempest tossed soul
And
Will help me heal
I am beginning to own a part of me
That will make me whole