feeling like a burden has been lifted

Not only do I feel listened to, via my therapist, but also heard. She voiced back to me understanding of what I have been struggling with and that indicated she heard me and understood. What a relief it feels to be finally heard! That I am not a crazy single white woman in her late 40's. I really feel elated.

On a similar note I had a wonderful conversation with one of my co-workers, someone who I am not afraid to talk about my cancer. He was amazingly sympathetic and understanding all that cancer has brought my way. We had a discussion about how people of my age and younger are not as connected in community as those older than us, particularly communities that really take seriously the responsibility to care for one another. By not being connected to community makes it harder for single people to have the caring they might need, leaving us with this feeling of disconnect and unconscious yearning to find it. Just another confirmation that what I have been feeling and also trying to address for me is true and that I am not crazy with this persistant feeling. I put this feeling I had to more intimate relationships and the social structure around those relationships. I see now that this is not the only way the struggles of being alone come not only from that social structure but from the broader break down in communities as well. Nice to have a perspective broadened.

You might wonder how this relates to cancer - well - I have said all along I feel that I have gone through much of this process on my own. I have struggled to find safe places to talk about my cancer, to break the isolation of the experience and to overcome my fears. I feared not having support to get through this - I fear/ed not being loved and cared for. While I got lots of love and care from all of you I can't help but wonder if it might have been easier if I had more love and support. I am not saying that in a angry disappointed way, but rather just as a question to ponder. I know you did all that you could and that I am deeply appreciative of that effort. But I also imagined that I would have much more support around me, more care, more love if I had more people who cared. I am not be reproachful of myself either - I have already beaten myself about this. But I just say that when I view my mind's eye vision - there are more people there loving, caring supporting then what in reality happened.

So good to feel much lighter - to have the ideas out of my head and now others are talking to me about it too.