a favor to ask you

I know that maybe it has been hard to listen to me lately as I go through lots of emotional stuff. I really do appreciate your trying to listen and letting me be honest with myself. I am trying to give myself the permission to say it is okay to be where I am at no matter how angry or upset that place maybe.

I had an evening with my spiritual group of women who have seen me through all of this cancer process. Even talking to them this evening it is very hard for me to talk about my cancer with me getting upset and crying.

I think something I am reclaiming after my recent upset is that I am giving myself permission to be where I at with cancer and that I am doing okay healing - I am on the right path. I think my experience with trying to heal a hurt left me feeling thinking I was crazy for speaking up and being honest about what was going on. I was beginning to wonder if I was acting like a victim or too crazy or emotional instead of just trying to deal with the emotional wounds that cancer has caused. Well I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to be where I am at, to acknowledge this is hard to talk about and process and heal the emotional wounds that cancer has caused. It is okay for me not to be strong and stoic and to just solider on. I need to take care of this and as you know I have reached out to professionals and support groups to help me with this.

Here is where I ask for your help. I need words of encouragement and support from you. Call me or email me. Please - let me know if you are proud of me, or if you love me despite everything, Please let me know that for me to be where I am at and that you will continue to support me and to try to understand a little of what I am going through. Or you can tell me something you admire in me or like about me. I could use a little confidence boost from my friends and family right now. Even though I may seem physically fine - I am not fine and I need to hear from you words and messages of encouragement, acceptance, support and love. I know the contact between us has eased off because I really did try and just get back to normal life. Well, I need those phone calls back, please. Or the emails - messages of support and encouragement.

Now for some exciting news. I found Camp Mak-a-wish, that is located in Montana that provides 4 day retreats for women dealing with cancer. I sent in an application today. The retreat is for free - I need to put together the airfare if I can (that will be a very real challenge for me). Here is the link to their site. Keep your fingers crossed that I get accepted.

http://www.campdream.org/index.html


PS: I don't think of myself as being a victim of cancer - but it is the language we use - we are so use to using both the language of the victim or the language of entitlement/priviledge. I just want to talk as best I can about strong and sometimes overwhelming emotions that are coming up because of my journey with cancer. I am feeling isolated because of these emotions and I need your help and support not to feel isolated and as if I where somehow different because of cancer. I try to reach out as best I can and I hope you will reach back to me as I continue to struggle and journey.