Okay - maybe this is one of those times when I bitch and complain, so please just bare with me...
Well, finally a doctor said it - cancerous - everyone else has been dancing around the word - using everything like malignant, benign, tumor - but not saying the word cancer or it's adjective cancerous.
Well, I decided to look cancer up in my Webster's dictionary. Yes that big fat book full of words and their meanings I keep on my book shelf next to that other wonderful book - Thesaurus - and various poetry books I use for ryhyming.
So - here is their definition: (a)a malignant tumor (which mine most likely is - thought we won't know until the biopsy is done)of potentially unlimited growth that expans locally by invasion and systemically by metastasis (b) an abnormal state marked by such tumors (c) and enlarged tumorlike growth (d) a disease marked by such growths
Okay - so like death - we got that out on the table. I don't know - I am just a lay person and no doctor - but with all the other words being used all this sounds like cancer to me - so like death - lets say, use the word - take the fear away from it. Lets stop all this pussy footing around and stop avoiding using the word. I understand that as doctors and as such scientist - they don't want to label anything until they have proof of what it is - I grant their point of view - it just takes longer for them to say it - if they ever do.
Well, the surgeon finally did - and yes it is a big shock to finally hear it - a big shock. While you might think that a doctor saying what I have been thinking and feeling for weeks might be a relief, in the case of cancer I now know the shock even harder - he has confirmed my worst fear along with trying to give me the best hope. Even though I advocated taking the fear of the word away by using it honestly and openly without fear, the word cancer is still a scary word.
Which leads me to may next complaint - or maybe it is just an annoyed reaction to loved ones - none of you included - who think things are fine and don't in the slighest way comprehend the shock the idea of having cancer become all of a sudden very personal and very real in my life.
Now granted - cancer is no longer an automatic death sentence and I take solice that I know I will come through my situation healthy and stronger then ever. But right now - this evening - I can't help but feel now set apart because of what I am dealing with. Only other cancer survivors really know what it is like to go through this. And thankfully I have friends who have survived cancer and whom I can call on for a reality check. And I know that there are other resources and networks out there that I can tap into if I need to. But what I can't abide right now is others thinking that things are okay with me - they aren't - and they aren't likely to be for sometime. I may look to you like everything is normal and that I am trying to keep my life that way as much as possible - but don't let that facade fool you. I am in a fight right now - going to doctors, making appointments, having tests - are now a normal part of my life - sometimes this even take precedence over my work and everything else in my life.
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