Exposure/Shame/Vulnerability

I have to confess - I struggled sharing this post with all of you - I talk about being in a place most find uncomfortable - including myself - but I thought not sharing it was some kind of act of cowardice. It put it out there - and bring it to the light - brings it out of hiding where one can know if for what it really is - if nothing else then honesty.


Heavens - this is complicated.

So start at the beginning - which for this is trying to figure out how I am going to sustain myself over two months while I am out of work recovering from abdominal surgery and have no income coming in - well very little from short term disability.

It is exposes one of my vulnerabilities or to me a personal shame - my finances. My shame comes from not living up to what my parents taught me - that I have never been really good with money. Oh - I pay my bills and such - but I don't save or plan for the future. I am feeling this vulneraility very acutely because I have to ask for help to get me through my recovery and I am afraid to ask to expose my vulnerability. Maybe my pride is getting in the way of asking - because I have a feeling I don't know how to ask for help. Maybe it is a fear of completely falling apart and losing control.

Dealing with this tumor has exposed me in many different ways. From my finances, to my health - two important things that make life work - but it has also exposed my vulnerability about of independence and struggling asking for the help I need. I don't like thinking of myself as needy. But right now my neediness is being exposed and that too is uncomfortable.

I think being single and having no one to fall back too makes all this vulnerability seem to feel more acute. Maybe it would be different not being alone and maybe it wouldn't - but for me right now this is one of the hard things to bare. Living alone it feels like I have no protection when I am in a very vulnerable spot, and that is only because I can't fit you all in my little apartment.

I also want to be clear that I am trying not to lessen the help that has come from dear friends, already, and that I trust will continue. I know I have complained about doing this alone when I know I can't do it without you and complain about not having someone to fall back on in the middle of the night - many of you have offered to be that shoulder I can cry on and I have cried on them - and there are those who I cry to over the phone at 7:30AM in the morning or at midnight - and I deeply appreciate you being there - please don't let my complaint misconstrue my deep love and appreciation I have for each of you in your efforts to help me. All of you are special blessing to me and I know that our relationships have deepened because your help and caring.

It is hard sometimes to be positive and hopeful when so much of me is being exposed and feels vulnerable and unprotected, and the tenuous nature of life is much more apparent to me.

This is why the little things like being in my home, with my cat Soma, my music, yule lights, books, movies - being in my sanctuary is so important to me - and helps me get through this. And to find those moments of awe in a day that keep me connect to the spirit and quiet grounding. And you are not the little things - but warm caring people who help as well - help keep me grounded and going.