How I chose to walk this journey

Even in this very scary journey I am not scared or anxious all the time. I do have series of day when I am not scared or worried. I do have my moments and occastional days when things are really overwhelming like today and tomorrow and along with long walks and meditation I have drugs that help cut the anxiety. I am comfortable with the way I am handling this and I have, despite the scaries, a certain calm center in me where I feel assured all of this will work in its strange mysterious way - and sometimes I have to give up control to that mystery. I go back and forth, but more and more I am living in the moment and allowing that mystery to be. Allowing myself to live in the moment allows me to have lots of graditude for all the quiet and beautiful things around me and the wonderful family and friends I have who support me. I am always looking for those awe filled moments in each day - those time when I can mysteriously connect to the Universe, to the elements and four directions - to my helper and Goddess. I am also very much aware of trying to keep my 'normal' life going as much as possible - doing my scottish stuff and connecting with my UU community - and keeping the work going - all these things are kind of distractions that keep my mind engage elsewhere and keeps life going with all this craziness and uncertainty around me right now. I am using all kinds of tools to keep me grounded and centered and positive. I have found through my experiences that though I have times when I freak out and go into shock and cry a lot - that if I let my process happen - that if I go through it - I usually come out the otherside okay in a few days and I just trust that process. I am not letting this tumor take over my life. It has certainly changed it but I am not giving in to it and all the fears that can go with it. Lets work this a step at a time and I will take care of myself as I need to and I, along with help from my friends and family, will get through this. I write all of this not only to reassure you about how I am doing, but also, by writing it down crystalizes my ideas and thinking about how to handle this.