In the Bleak Midwinter

Over all a good day -but.....
I have also been all over the place
It is dealing with all the little details - seemingly by myself
Now I have you guys all helping me along in special and important ways - but i have to do all the grunt work and there is something in me that rebels against that. I know this is the part of me that really tired to taking care of everything on my own and deeply wishing I had some with me when I do need to cry to have a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold - not just at doctors offices, but at night I want to completely fall apart.

Today was a day of exposing another vulnerability - my finances - and trying to figure out how to keep life going and bills paid while I am not getting a pay check when I am recovering from surgery.

I guess I find it hard to reach out when the lonliness and scaries get to me - I is hard for the independent me to admit I have reach out - I don't like feeling needy and yet I am - and yet I complain about my independence - oh to find the balance between the two. And I get more easily upset struggling between the two.

Then comes In the Bleak Midwinter on my ipod - one of my favorite yule carols - along with Low, How a Rose ere Blooming
It seems these carols in particular send me somewhere else - a quiet place maybe a small snow dusted glen of pine trees with the cold wind softly brushing past me. And tonight I have been watching the Nutcracker - I love Tchichovsky's music - which always cheers me up and I get what I call my positive fight back.