dealing with the fear again

Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.” Dr. Robert Anthony

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

I found these two quotes about courage. I am finding I need lots of courage again. I think the someone I love is myself to give myself courage - I am not sure if anyone around me is showing courage because of their love for me. Just starting to make that first follow up appointment, CT scan etc. has me a little upset. It really came out at a Lamas celebration last night. My friend held me for a good long time, but all I wanted to do was crumple up on the ground, right there in Central Park and just cry and wail until it was all out - I really wish I could do that just once - just cry until it stopped and I didn't have to stop for move on/get on a train/go back out in the world. Such fear and crying really take the crap out of me, so I have spent today getting my feet back under me. I really have been working to try to let go and express it in all sorts of ways - but tears seem to me so important - and yet right now - they don't easily flow. I have to be in a safe place with people i can trust for it to happen.

Someone said the b word to me last night - brave. I really bristle at this word. I am not being brave - I don't feel brave - I am doing what I have to do to survive, to stay alive - to me there is nothing brave about it. Please don't say the brave word to me - any other supportive word, but not brave.