Yesterday's NY Times article

I have to confess, yesterday's NY Times article on how others cope with a friends/family members crisis has touched a nerve in me.

I have been thinking, over the last few days, about my friend that stayed with me. Please forgive me for rehashing this some, but I feel this article may give me some clue as to her behavior - though I had an inkling when I called and tried to talk to her and then her strong reaction to one of my poems. While the article gives me clue - it doesn't bring me closer to forgiving or healing. I really want to hear "I am sorry - I wasn't there in the way you needed and I am sorry that hurt you" - at least that is some acknowledgement that her actions effected me. This maybe small consolation but she does acknowledged she tried and her strong reaction to my poem indicates to me that she knows something was wrong whether she is willing to admit her part in this or not. In thinking back - it is almost as if she were angry at me for getting cancer and then trying to put all the blame back on me, bullying me to get my life back to normal so she didn't have to worry anymore. All I am trying to do is understand how the hurt happened and give her some allowance. While I can give her a little allowance it this was the coping mechanism in play but I just can't forgive that right now. The simple acknowledgement of what happened and I am sorry would have been enough to set things right. Better yet, it would have been better if she acknowledged that she couldn't do this at all - that it was too much for her to handle - at least I could have better arrangements - well we know what happened there. In reality I know that no acknowledgement or saying I am sorry is likely forthcoming and so I hurt and now mourn the change and possible end of a friendship. Honestly I am still ambivalent on that point - or maybe I hold out some small hope that she will get it and own up to it - but then I doubt it. Right now it is a wound that I choose to, for the most part, try to leave alone - but it still really hurts.

I know I am rehashing - but sometimes I need to reexamine things at some point after the event to see how I acted to determine if there is something more to do at this time. I will say - and acknowledge that I should have addressed the issue when she was here - but I didn't have the strength, just recovering from surgery. I will confess that even afterwards I didn't handle the situation as I would have like - but that water under the bridge and in the past - and so you might add is this entire incident - so way revisit it - because it still hurts and it still has unresolved energy out there - at least for me.

Having shared here will now enable me to put this down again for a little while and let it be what it is. It is just a process as all other things are in life and I am trying to gently deal with it always trying to love and be kind to myself - even as I am very human and have faults and failings.