The fears do come crashing down on me with such emotion that it is hard to think straight. They overwhelm my system to point where I want to fall apart and their strength leaves them hard to name. But they must be named to conquer them.
Thank heavens to good friends who can help me think and to face the fears and keep me from completely falling apart. The gentle and understanding pep-talks - Priscilla you are so good at this. You listen to the fears and tears - you know they need to come out, need to have their expression - get them out of the system - and then you talk of facing those fears and gain control over the situation by taking the teeth out of those fear monsters by imaging what is the worst that can happen and knowing that it isn't going to be that way. Now I sit here and cry in thankfulness that you can help me do this and you have the patience with me. All of you do - by listening to me here. And I have to give a shout out to Lynne who keeps encouraging me to write because she like my writing style and compliments my ability to put all of this into words that slowly reveals myself not just to you but to my as well.
So okay - the CT scan is coming up next Friday. I have talked my fears out with Priscilla - but I thought it would be a good form of therapy to write them out as well. Another avenue or form of conquering the fears and bringing them out into the light. When the fears are in the darkness they have some control, but when a light is shone on them by talking about them in some way, they lose their control - they become toothless monsters. It is funny - as I started writing this post I couldn't help think of masks - looking at these fears as frightening masks and laughing at them. I don't know if I have this right but the phrase "Kabuki masks" came to mind with their exaggerated features. I know in my artwork I have draw masks as a way of facing my fear - maybe that is something I could tackle this weekend as a more intuitive/organic/creative way of facing the fears.
So what are the fears - and the worst case scenario:
Needles - just getting it into my arm - fishing around for a vein - It feels like an invasion that I intuitively want to fight - debunk: They know what they are doing. They are trying not to hurt me. They are not hurting me
CT machine - claustraphobia - feels very tight - feels like I am in a coffin debunk: it is a machine - it isn't going to crush me - it is open at both ends - just keep your eyes closed.
being scared - I am actually scared of being too upset - that I will be an emotional wreck unable to get through it - debunk: - this hasn't happened so far - why should it happen now.
Waiting - for the test to get going - that it will take them hours to get this test done debunk: I will have hands to hold and friends and sisters to remind me of my mantras and how easy and well this will go - and we can talk about other things. I can even take a book to read for distraction.
So now that I have said them - what mantras/strategies can I use to defang these fears.
- Well, you know I love the creative part - poetry - artwork - especially using words to conquer the fear. I will let you know what I come up with
- Creating mantras to tell myself over the next week. I will get through this okay. They are not trying to hurt me. Relax let them take care of you - they are professionals they know what they are doing - close my eyes while in the CT scanner - Do meditations and visualization when ever necessary - visualize myself how calmly I am going to get through this scan - with dignity and strength and spiritual calmness - I see myself like a radiant queen filled with joy, happiness and calm.
Lastly I do have the little yellow anti-anxeity pills that I try not to take - but when it is overwhelming - they do help.
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